Tears and Anger: God, please help me!

I find myself going between anger and tears today. I won't go into it any more than just to acknowledge my frame of mind today. Even the Tuesday-of-Holy Week service tonight really didn't help. Well, it did. Sorta. I cried through most of it. Thank goodness for work; it kept me busy so that I only cried once there and only for a short time.

I seem to be stuck right now. I can't seem to get past this. It's during these times I feel so lonely. Poor Elvis. I wept into his body this morning when I woke up. He just sat there with me, and kissed my tears. Good boy.

However, I did receive an answer, of sorts, to my prayer tonight. My prayer was a four-word one. It was "Help me, God. Please."

I'm a little calmer right now than I was--because of that answer to prayer, I think.

For several months, I've been using the Forward Day-by-Day devotional that we get at church. But I stopped looking at them in January, unfortunately. While I was waiting for tonight's service to begin, I opened up my copy, and it opened to the March 23rd entry (and from reading my past entries, you know the significance of that date) without me happening to actually "look" for a date.

That day's Gospel, John 11:28-44 (http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=231345145) centers around the shortest verse--35--in the Bible. Yet it says so much. In the King James version, it's simply: "Jesus wept." Jesus grieved, just as I grieve. He knows my sorrow. It was a major component of the message at John's funeral, and now I'm reminded of it again. I'd like to share the entry in the devotional guide--or at least a portion of it, written so eloquently by the Rev Dr Gil Stafford:

People come to my office on a regular basis with life troubles, as I am a priest. Often tears are shed. Almost without fail, the weeping person apologizes for their tears. It is a grace-filled blessing to reassure them Jesus wept tears of compassion and grief. Tears are healing.

I've apologized for tears; countless times, now. And each time, the person on the receiving end says something similar to healing tears and letting it go, etc.

The devotion goes on to say:

Many tears are shed during Holy Week, tears of grief, broken dreams, forgiveness, and thankfulness. Our tears can be shed freely in the knowledge that Jesus weeps with us. Jesus weeps in compassion and in the genuine honesty of being in solidarity with us in our most fragile and tender moments. For Jesus has understood and felt our grief, our pain. That knowledge is comforting and can heal our hearts, our souls, and our spirits. Do not be afraid to cry. It can be healing. 

Further, as I was typing this, another Bible verse came into my heart, from Deuteronomy 31:8:

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

I just have to keep remembering that, because though I feel a little more peaceful this evening, I am so incredibly lonely. John was always there to comfort me. No matter what. I miss him so incredibly much. The somberness of the season doesn't help, nor does the succession of cloudy, cold days. The calendar says spring. Where is it? Will I ever see spring again?

Of course I will. It just seems so far away from me now. Now, it's time to close this and perhaps cry some more, hugging Elvis tight.

I'm praying for a better day tomorrow.

Ah. I am listening to a movie soundtrack collection right now, and I'm hearing the choral version of the Lord's Prayer that was used for the movie, King of Kings (the remake from the 1960s). I'll post two links: the actual movie, and then a lovely choral presentation. It is the latter I heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZXF-FKVRWc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upuskMxjjq4

Such a lovely piece, and a beloved prayer taught to us by Jesus.