Two years into the journey.

Two years ago this week.

Two years ago, about this time, John had a seizure at Beggar's Banquet, another one at the emergency room, and about now we were waiting for an MRI and then a room for John in the Neuro Intensive Care Unit.

Such a journey from then until now. Up until 10 months ago, tomorrow, it was John and me, finally really understanding what love is, and living it every day as one--maybe for the first time since we were newlyweds. This is the time when we really realized we meant all the vows we said to each other on that early September day in 1994.

Lately, I've been struggling with a few things.

I keep replaying certain things through the last five years or so...how I really didn't like it that John played video games all the time. How he didn't stand up for himself sometimes. Even to me. Other things. And I would lose my patience with him.

And beating myself up over how I should have done things.

He wanted a scooter. I was terrified for him, and kept asking him not to get one. He wanted a tattoo (at least early on in the marriage), and I told him my apprehensions. He never got a tattoo. He never got a scooter, even though I was about ready to give in just before he got sick.

But then I remember good things. Going to movies. Playing trivia (and boy, he was so smart!). Talking about books and music and politics and photography and animals. How I love that he took up gardening. And for me, he became a big Spartan football fan, even though he'd really not watched much sports in his life before me.

And some of the travels we had--most memorable, was the honeymoon in 1994, the trip to Valparaiso for the beagle nationals, the trip to see our nephew graduate from the University of Maine, and the trip to Florida in 2010 to celebrate my 50th birthday...and even the second trip weeks later for a sad event--to see his dying mother for the last time--and the trip to New York for his father's funeral.

And after the cancer invaded our lives, we grew closer and closer--even though things were getting better anyway...the cancer just made us stronger, I think. And you know what? John forgave me for the stupid things I did. I know he did. He told me so--a day or two after his surgery, I cried as I walked with him along the hallway of the Neuro-ICU. He asked what was wrong. I said, "I'm so sorry for how I treated you recently!" He had such a sweet smile on his face, kind of incredulous at the same time...and his words to me were: "I don't remember any of that!"

I think about how our lives revolved around schedules, medications, doctor's appointments...and how we were so tired but always held each other up. I remember the night we thought our new furnace was broken. No heat, and it was a cold winter night in early 2012. Rather than calling someone that night, we just held on tight. Sometimes I can still remember how good that felt. How tired we were, but we knew we'd be okay because we kept each other warm. And the spooning again that very last night at home before that morning that we ran to the hospital--John in the only time when he was in excruciating pain (from the meningitis). We were together, watching Craig Ferguson and giggling like crazy. I've only recently been able to watch that show again. And it's just not funny to me anymore.

And sitting in Stoneleigh Residence on May 4, 2012, his first night of what would be 8 months in hospice...deleting those alarms for the meds. The moment I went from the caregiver/spouse that I was for six months...to being his wife and life partner. I am so grateful to the staff at the hospice for giving us this precious gift of time together. They took such good care of us.

All the people took great care of us...from the people at Beggar's Banquet, to the paramedics, to the hospital staff, to the doctors and surgeons and their staff...to the volunteers at the cancer center...all the way to the wonderful folks at Stoneleigh.

And our friends and families...words cannot express how thankful we were/I am for all the support, prayers, and love outpouring for us.

So very thankful.

And that gets to the other thing on my mind right now--something I've mentioned before.

The holidays.

I am dreading them. They've never been the same since my brother died in 1999, and with each loss, it gets harder.  But this year? The worst. I heard about a really cool thing someone did on the first holiday family meal they had without their spouse. They set a place for them and left that chair empty. I think that's lovely.

Not sure what I'm doing on the holidays; I'll take them as I can. The choir I'm in is helping a great deal. It's the only time I'm able to sing Christmas music without crying. And the annual Lansing event called Silver Bells? I can't go to it again...at least not for a long time. John and I went to the one in 2010 together and had a wonderful time. I remember (kind of laughing about it now as I picture it) we decided to leave the car at home and take the bus--something that was very wise because it gets crazy in downtown Lansing. We stood near the state Christmas tree in front of the capital and watched the lights turn on and the fireworks display.

We decided we'd walk home after getting a cup of cocoa. He was used to walking that far, because it wasn't much further than his office to home. Well, about half way home, I was in a LOT of pain. But he helped me get home by letting me lean on him.

He was always taking care of me. Even when I didn't realize it.

I know I will be okay. I just have to get through the holidays, even though they're pretty much shoved in my face. No one's fault. I don't want to take away the joy from others, of course.

I used to love Christmas. And Thanksgiving.

Another thing I took great joy in has given me a bit of sorrow lately. I've seen several movies when I'm trying to find something to occupy time...and about 90% of the time, I can't get through without crying. You see, John and I met over movies. We were both on a movie listserv beginning in around 1993, and you could say we were pioneers in the land of internet dating--only we didn't meet on a dating site and neither of was really looking when we found each other.

So most movies and a great deal of music is kinda ruined for me right now. I have to choose stuff very carefully.

A friend came to visit me on the night John first was checked into the hospital. She, too, is missing her husband a great deal. She said to me something like "This is going to hurt like nothing else you've experienced."

She was right. I miss him all the time.

Now, I don't want people to think I'm crippled by grief. Well, in some ways, I guess I am. But I manage to function. I go to work. I am gradually adding a few activities to my daily routine. I'm working on my health. I'm planning trips. I had the roof fixed. I have someone mowing the lawn and hopefully shoveling my driveway when the snow flies this winter.

But there's this huge huge hole that I don't think will ever be filled with anything other than the complete love I feel for John.

Thank everyone for their support of us and of me after John passed ten months ago.

Thank you, John, for being a part of my life--however brief that time was.

There's a quote I kept thinking about from a song. I'll end with that:

The Nature Boy

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far,
Over land and sea.
A little shy
And sad of eye,
But very wise, very wise was he 

Until one day,
One lucky day he passed my way,
And while we talked of many things
Fools and kings,
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing, 
 You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return.


And thanks to you, John, I know that I have loved and have been loved in return, and that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Thanks for allowing me to go on the journey with you.
Love always,
Your Girl.

I'm still here!

Old Town Lansing Trick or Treat (Howl-O-Ween). Elvis went as Count Beagula. 

It's been a busy few weeks.

One of the "fun" things that happened recently is that I got a flu shot. And then the flu a couple days later. I don't blame the shot...anymore. My doctor says it takes about two weeks to take full effect, and several medical professionals in my life agree that I probably had something brewing before the shot. So...I spent four days in respiratory misery...actually a portion of another day, too.

You see, it's hard to tell if I'm really starting to get something these days, because most days I feel run down, especially by the time evening falls.

So, on a Tuesday, I had the shot. I probably shouldn't have, because I was feeling particularly run down that day. And it went downhill from there. By Thursday evening, I knew something was going on. The next day, I had several appointments. First one was to a podiatrist. Since technically, I'm diabetic (but don't need insulin), it's good to have the feet checked once per year. Good news on that, no nerve damage! Yay. But I was really starting to feel bad. After that appointment, I had an occupational therapy session for my thumbs. More on that later. I should have certainly gone home and to bed by then. Did I? No. I kept my appointment at the Ear Institute. I was in misery by that point and nearly fell asleep on the highway. After the appointment, I slept in the car for a little while. I learned a little lesson in that: next time I have to go to an appointment like that, first of all, don't go if I'm sick. Secondly, board Elvis so if I HAVE to wait to come home, I don't have to worry about him. Another thing: I hate hearing tests, and they're even worse when you don't feel well. I just hope I didn't infect everyone. I haven't had any hate mail/calls, so perhaps not.

When I got home that Friday evening, I went to bed, where I mainly stayed through the following Monday night, with the exception of trips to the drug store and to Urgent Care.

When I started feeling better, my cough-variant asthma kicked in, which almost always happens when I have some sort of respiratory aliment (flu or bronchitis or walking pneumonia) this time of year. The bad news is that the coughing usually doesn't totally go away until spring. That may change this year, as my doctor decided to have me use a nebulizer four times per day for the next month. She said that any time I have this happen, this will help. And it does. To a point. Nights (pre-nebulizer time) are usually the worst.

Well, I received some advice to try a supplement that is supposed to work wonders. I'm usually a skeptic about some things..but then I thought...hey, I was a skeptic about acupuncture until I actually used it during my second and most recent bout with Bell's Palsy. 20 sessions, and the nerve paid was GONE FOR GOOD after the first one. Previous to that, I was on pain killers, which were just making me loopy, which drove my dear husband crazy. He really didn't like it when I was on those sorts of meds. Truthfully, I don't like them, either. I continued the other 19 treatments and believe they helped me heal faster from the Bell's episode.

So, now I'm trying something called "Pneumotrophin PMG." My first dose was three pills (chewed to achieve a faster result, as recommended. They said it was nasty-tasting, and they weren't kidding.) at about 5pm tonight. But I have to say that now, at about 7pm, I think I notice that I'm not coughing as much as I normally am by this time of night. I'm supposed to take another dose before bedtime, so we'll see. At this point, I'm ready to try anything, as long as it doesn't kill me. :)

Health-wise, I'm in surprisingly good shape at the moment, aside from the usual and the asthma. However, my immediate concern is my weight. So...that's the next thing I have to work on. I haven't been on the trike since the flu episode, sadly.

Tomorrow, the roofers are coming to re-do the roof. John and I had the roof done almost exactly ten years ago, and it's in HORRIBLE shape. If it weren't for the statute of limitations, I'd be having the previous company pay the LARGE amount I'm having to pay for this more reputable company to start at the beginning again. But at least, my kitchen will be dry when they're done, even if there's a fairly large hole in my pocket.

The goal is to sell that money pit of a house, but in order to even consider doing it, I have to bring things up to code..and the roof is definitely not. These guys will not only replace/fix the roof, they'll replace the gutters. I think it'll be worth it.

I mentioned the therapy on the thumbs. I have osteoarthritis, diagnosed at about age 30. Back then, it was only bothering my hip and knee joints occasionally. Now, it's different. My knees get really bad sometimes (not lately when I'm riding the trike) and my thumbs--particularly the left (fingering) hand thumb--have really really been painful. I think the main problem is that I almost completely stopped playing while John was sick. Not his fault. I just lost the desire to make any music of my own. Very little singing, very little violin-ing. The therapy IS helping, so that's good.

I have reason to get the thumbs in shape: I've been invited to go on a one-week tour of Italy to play violin with the Kellogg Community College chorus (KCC is a community college in Battle Creek, MI). I want to be able to be much healthier when I go, which is late in June.

It's very exciting; I've been to Europe, but never in the southern part. On this trip, I'll visit Rome, Vatican City (including the Sistine Chapel), Pompeii, Sorrento, Capri, and other places along the Amalfi Coast. I think it will help me get through the winter months, which seem much longer here in Michigan.

My alma mater's football team is really doing well; my husband never followed sports before he joined my family, but became quite an MSU Spartan football fan over the recent years. And he would be happy about this year. Last Saturday, MSU's number one defense rolled over the University of Michigan like I'd never seen before. I almost felt sorry for their quarterback, as he didn't seem to be getting any help from his team. Almost felt sorry for the UM team. Almost. But not quite. I do have respect for their coach and think that, given some time and some good recruiting, they'll be back to become a force to be reckoned with again. I hear calls for his firing, but I think they're being unfair. He's a good coach. Our team was better on Saturday. That's all. I can't believe I ever was mad that Nick Saban left MSU. Mark Dantonio is a loyal Spartan, a great coach, and a great guy. Alabama can have Saban, as far as the MSU faithful are concerned. Looks like there's a bowl game in the future. Which one depends on how MSU does with the next three (maybe four, if the three games are won) games.

John's last birthday, wearing the Hicks family uniform. :)

Right now, I'm having a horrible time dealing with the approaching holidays. I used to love Christmas. I'm not so fond of it anymore. It started in Christmas 1999 when my family had their first Christmas without my older brother, Curtis. It intensified with each loss (2002 both my parents passed). John started to understand that more after he lost his parents in 2010. I remember the first Mother's Day that happened after his mother died. He looked at me, and with sad eyes said, "I get it, now." I said, "Unfortunately, the only way you would ever understand how I felt about Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, birthdays, etc was when you went through similar loss." I remember we hugged each other tight that day.

And now I face Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year without the absolute love of my life. I miss him so much...sometimes it becomes a real ache.

Don't misunderstand: I have started to have more good moments than not, these days...but little things can set me off sometimes. I watched some commercial about a dog food today and started sobbing. Things like that. And I don't know if I'll ever get used to the nights without John. Having Elvis helps, but it it just not the same thing. He has been such a loyal boy. Does his best to try to cheer me up; showers me with kisses and cuddles when I don't feel well.

I don't know what I'd do without him. Not only do I need him, but more importantly, I think, he's someone that needs me. And that's a huge thing right now.

That's about all of my rambling for tonight.

Tam

miscellaneous thoughts in early autumn

Harvest Moon.

Apologies for not writing in awhile.

First of all, I have to say I am really enjoying my trike. Accumulated distance since I started riding: 64.5  miles. Most of that has been accomplished on Lansing's River Trail. 

http://lansingrivertrail.org

A sculpture and the old Board of Water and Light building (now the world headquarters for the Accident Fund) along the River Trail.

I've been on almost every part of it thus far except for about a quarter mile on the northern end and the route from Potter Park to East Lansing. But I plan on hitting that last bit in the next day or so. One of the best things about this new adventure is that the arthritis in my knee isn't bothering me any more. 

Really, this isn't a new adventure, really. I spent a lot of time riding my bike in my youth, during college, and then for about four or five years in the late 1980s--early 1990s. My old Schwinn Collegiate is still sitting in the garage--the one I was given for Christmas in 1967. 

And really, I have been on that Potter Park-to-MSU route--just not recently. 

I've started singing again in one of the choirs here in town. And it's very healing. We're singing some very lovely music--some I've sung before, and some new and lovely works. 

Elvis keeps working to cheer me up. He's a never-ending source of amusement; every time I take him outside, he checks the perimeter of the yard to make sure it's safe. Then, he sits in one of the lawn chairs...and watches for critters. 

Who goes there?

There's a squirrel that taunts him every day. Yesterday, this squirrel was really driving Elvis crazy. Thankfully, the squirrel runs fast...but one of these days...

Catch me if you can!

That squirrel drives me crazy!

Well, that's about it right now...I have a lot of things to be thankful for...it's just that the nights are so lonely--though a pair of nice soft beagle ears does help.

More soon.

Tam

September 3, 1994-January 19, 2013

Engagement 1994, taken summer before our wedding on September 3, 1994.

Nineteen years ago today, I married my best friend and love of my life. This is the first anniversary since John's passing. And it's going to really tough, if this evening is any indication. The above photo was taken to commemorate our engagement. We were engaged April 1, 1994, the day after our younger nephew was born, and it took place at the boarding gate at the airport in Lansing. This photo was taken in the summer after that.

The picture that follows was the last picture taken of the two of us--my cell phone January 13, 2013, 6 days before John died. 

I love you, sweetheart, and miss you every single day. I'm so glad we married. September 3, 1994--January 19, 2013 was not long enough. 

Last photo together, taken 6 days before John died.

Taken at the hospital November 18, 2011. Hospital staff gave me John's ring, and I put it on my finger for safekeeping. Because of the steroids he was on, it pretty much stayed on my finger from that day forward. It's still there today.

A rose for John as we rode to Ft Custer in January 2013. John's flag below my hand and the rose.

Tam, the Fiddler

As promised, here's a photo of me (taken by the Tibbits photographer, Mike Goreki) as The Fiddler and the wonderful John Payonk (now in a production at the famous Goodspeed Opera House in Connecticut, where people like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward have performed in the past) this summer. Had a wonderful time with the show, and am very glad I did it.

This will be the last post for the evening... La'chaim!

Tam

Adventures with Elvis

Elvis wants me to post something about him...so here goes.

We spent many nice weekend mornings and weekday evenings sitting in the backyard. I've given up mowing my yard, and instead have a couple of guys that were recommended to me by another friend of mine mow the yard. It's so worth it. I started putting out two chairs out of habit. And Elvis...ever the clever fellow, sits in one of them.

It's one of his favorite things, actually. The other day, I forgot to set out the extra chair, and he resigned himself to sitting on the ground. Oh, the indignity of it all.

Recently, I boarded him at Dr. Lisa's--his vet--while on a weekend trip with a local photography club. When I picked him up the following Monday after work, I decided to take him to Dairy Queen with me for a treat.

He got a cup of soft serve. And I got a cone. First, he finished up his soft serve.

 Then...he watched me eat my soft serve cone.

And of course, all this cuteness was to try to get me to give him my cone. Well, it didn't work. Until...the head-tilt. I swear they go to school for this--the "if all else fails" move. Elvis is a scholar in the head-tilt department.

And of course, I gave in. Mmmm, he seems to say.

And a toothy smile as he finishes up my cone.

One happy beagle with probable brain-freeze and a wagging tail.

Ah, yes. Back home and sniffing the breeze.

Can we go to Dairy Queen again?

My new toy...and means of exercise and transportation

I have had two bikes in my life--three, if you count the one I bought at an East Lansing Police auction--one that was stolen within a week of my purchase.

The first was a blue Schwinn Bantam. It looked sort of like this one (only blue):

Schwinn Bantam Children's bike

The second was a full-sized bike--a blue Schwinn Collegiate 5-speed. Santa put that under the tree on Christmas, 1967. I spent a lot of time riding it in the basement until the snow melted that spring. They look like this (but blue, again):

Schwinn Women's 5 Speed Collegiate

I've used that bike for many years. It is an excellent bike, and I've received many offers for it over the years. My younger brother had one, too--a little newer; a bright green boy's model. I guess they're still worth some money, so I'll be checking on that one of these days.

I went without a car for about four years, from about 1989 until 1993, so my means of transportation were by bus or bike most of the time. I had always been an avid bicyclist, but in those days, I rode something like 25 miles per day (I didn't have an odometer on the bike, but I'm pretty sure I'm accurate with this.

Years later, and I can report it has been awhile since I have used that bike. It sits--still in good condition--neglected in my garage, along with a few other bikes that either belonged to John or came with the house. Actually, there's about three bikes in the basement I need to haul up and check out one of these days.

About 13 years ago, I had started thinking about saving up for a new bike. The recumbents were starting to become popular, though wildly expensive. And then for awhile, I didn't think about getting one until a few months before John fell ill. I was actually looking at bikes around the time he got sick, and gave it up then, thinking I had to have a car with me so I could get to him at a moment's notice.

Now, here am I, and John's been gone for about seven months, now. And my health isn't that great. I have trouble with osteoarthritis--more than since my first diagnosis of it over 20 years ago. Particularly troublesome are my hands, now--which makes violin-playing very difficult--and for some reason, my left knee. I know a lot of it has to do with my weight.

And part of getting healthier is a scheduled food detox, which I'll begin this coming weekend. This will last for a month and will get me at a much healthier place. It's a doctor-guided one. The last time I did this, in 2011, I was feeling the best, physically, that I'd felt in a long time. I want to get to that place again.

The other part is getting back on a bike. And it'll help my pocketbook, too, as the gas prices are quite high these days.

But there was a new problem since the last time I so diligently went on rides: my propensity to get vertigo from the Meniere's--by the way, the BPPV I spoke of earlier seems to have resolved itself, thank God! However, I can still get vertigo, and riding a bike when an attack happens could be a dangerous thing.

I was online talking to a couple of friends of mine who are avid bicyclists. Both recommended a recumbent (and by now, they've come down in price a bit) and one suggested a trike (three-wheel) instead of the two. All I could picture was a large tricycle and I thought, oh, no...but then I found out about the TerraTrike.

And a few weeks later, I walked into the local dealer in Lansing's Old Town--Spin--and now am a proud owner of a TerraTrike Rambler 8-speed. And in the last two weeks, I've gone nearly 30 miles on it. I notice I feel better (tired, but better) when I ride it, the joints seem to feel better...and people say I have a huge grin on my face when I ride.

So...every day that the weather permits, I've gone on a ride. Today was way too hot, so I chose not to. I have registered with the city of Lansing and have my MSU permit on it, and plan on riding it the two miles to work soon. I was just thinking about how pretty the fall leaves will be on my ride to work via the Rivertrail.

We are blessed to have a wonderful network of trails throughout the city--trails that continue to expand as the walking/running/biking community creates a bigger demand for them. And a good share of the roads have a bike lane, now, too. I can hop on the trail within just a few blocks from my house. And as of last night, I guess there's a good possibility that the trail will expand--I think further west, now.

Here'a  little bit of information on the Lansing (and East Lansing, etc) River Trail:

Lansing River Trail

I've dreamed for years of a special goal to do the Dalmac, a ride around Labor Day (I think a group left today!) from the Lansing area up to the Mackinac Bridge. Do you think this old lady can do it? I hope so. There are other very cool trails through out the state that were created with initiatives like the Rails-to-Trails Conservancy. Years ago, I helped edit (as a freelance editing job) some of the early grant work to put some of these to use here in the state. And I hope to ride on some of them.

I recently went on a photography club trip to the Bay City/Frankenmuth/Midland area and saw evidence of this work there. Hoping to ride the trail from Midland to Clare one of these days. I hear there's a nice one to Lake Michigan (South Haven, I think), too. I won't do these alone, of course; I'll find people to go with. So those of you that worry about me...you can stop now.

More about the photography group in another post one of these days--some fun with a bunch of people who--like me--like photography. They all have fancier cameras than I do, but I think I do fine for now with the one I have.

Well, that's about it for this evening. Hoping to talk more about the rides I take (along with the photography along the way, as my camera is usually in my knapsack, too).

Dad's day

I realized today that it'd been awhile since I'd made a blog entry. So much has happened since my last one, that I think I'll break tonight's entry into several different ones.

Last night, I didn't get a lot of sleep. I'd dose off and then suddenly awaken. Some of it could be attributed to the heat, as we're having a string of very warm and humid days after a fairly cool August. But after I got going this morning, I realized it could also be that in the back of my mind, I knew it was the anniversary of my father's death. Oddly, I nearly forgot. I have so much on my mind these days, so I guess it's understandable.

So many people have gone. Yet, I know they're not really gone...but the selfish part of me wishes I could have them all around me again...Dad...Mom...Curt...John...and so many others.

One thing that is really a part of Dad that remains here is his legacy: his children and grandchildren. I just think about every time I see his grandson play baseball. I see Dad there. And believe me, if there was a way to be there, he would be--for his grandson and his granddaughter, too. He would be so proud of his grandchildren. And his youngest child, who has done a wonderful job, with his wife, raising those two. I hope I can make him proud. Sometimes I think I'm doing it, sometimes I feel like I fall short. But my goal is to try to be like him, as he was the best dad ever.

Happy Birthday, John!

I am having a rather difficult day, and we're only 7 hours into the day as I type. So for now, I'll make this short.

Today, John would have been 55. Another one of those milestones that is difficult to handle. Lots of crying last night a little after midnight. But through the sobs, some smiles...remembering the wonderful time we had on his last birthday.

I miss you SO incredibly much, John...but I know you're in my heart and are with me--I even heard you call my name early this morning...I love you, sweetheart. With every sunset. With every moon's glow. With every sunrise. With every storm. With every breeze. With every gentle rain. With every starry night. With every sapphire sky.

Your girl.

John at Potter Park a couple weeks before his birthday in 2010.

John's birthday 2011

John's birthday at Binder Park 2012

Fiddling around...

Happy Moon Day from the fiddler!

I was such a space program geek beginning in the 1960s! I still remember that night--44 years ago today--when we all gathered around the black and white television to watch Walter Cronkite narrate the landing--and later, the first step--on the moon. It seemed so unreal, so science fiction. And now, all these years later, it seems that way again; so many people on earth now that were born after this event!

I'm sitting in the Coldwater, Michigan Biggby's killing some time before our closing performance of Fiddler on the Roof, with a nice iced coffee (my current favorite beverage) beside me. On their trivia board, it says, "How many countries have successfully sent a man to the moon?"

Oh, duh, I think. But then I realize what I said before--it was so long ago, that there are lots of people who would probably not know the answer.

I've really enjoyed my time spent in Coldwater. The people involved with the summer stock this year have really made me feel welcome as I climb up the stairs to sit on a roof six feet in the air, play, climb down, go to the basement, climb up into the pit from the non-green green room through a sort of "rabbit hole," climb back down into the green room, climb up the stairs from the basement, walk to stage left, come on stage to play for awhile, exit stage right, go back downstairs, through the rabbit hole into the pit...several times before the show ends. It's been difficult for me, physically (both because of the heat and because I'm so out of shape from not playing much in the last two years), but I think between the sweat and the moving, I've lost some weight. I hope so, anyway. But I've loved every minute of it. If you're a part of the Tibbits Summer Theatre group and are reading this, THANK you for a very good time, which is something considering how I normally feel these days. Also very grateful for my family taking me in to save on a bit of the driving!

It's also been fun re-discovering old hangouts in this just-north-of-the-Indiana-border town, and discovering new places, too. Granola French toast at Stogie's...do not miss if you're ever in Coldwater. Other notable places: Northwoods (a coffee/sandwich/gift shop with really great coffee, food, and ambience) and Allen's Drive-In (a drive in similar to Marshall's Hi-Lite with homemade root beer and delicious food!).

After last night's performance, I could see that there was a storm north of me. Before I pulled out of Coldwater, I texted my brother, who confirmed that a storm was about to hit. So, I decided I'd drive to Tekonsha to get some gas and perhaps a bite to eat and wait out the storm. I've had to drive in some rather nasty storms in the last month, and I didn't want to add a nighttime one to my list. So, a tank of gas and a delicious salad bar later, I hit the road, thinking maybe I'd missed the storm. The minute I got in the car, the wind picked up. Should I stay or should I go? I thought about this and decided to get going, thinking that since there wouldn't be much traffic on I-69 from there to the exit I needed to get to my brother's house...if it got bad, I thought, I could pull over under a bridge.

About five minutes into the drive, the rain came down harder than I've ever seen it. And was blowing sideways. And...there were waves of water on the road. Waves, like at Lake Michigan or the ocean! I was hydroplaning and going back and forth on the road in my little car. And I could not see much of anything. So...I found a bridge (it took me awhile, though) and sat for about 15-20 minutes. Eventually, I got to my brothers, but had to avoid a lot of small branches that had come down on the country roads. Grateful to be back in one piece, with the rain slowed down to a sprinkle, I gathered my things and had my hand on the door handle...and it came down AGAIN. So, I sat for awhile, lost patience, and made a  run for it. You don't have to be out in something like that for long before you are absolutely soaked!

Thursday and Friday were a little difficult emotionally. Thursday marked 20 months since our world (John's and mine) turned upside down. Some of the things that happened as a result of the cancer were actually very good, as I reflect upon it. But I hate that he had to go. I hate cancer. Hate it. It is such a robber.

And Friday at 5:45 AM marked 6 months since John died. I spent most of yesterday in a quiet reflective mode and it was helpful to have the show as a distraction. But dammit, I miss him so much. I wanted to share all of this with him--how much fun I'm having with the show, knowing how proud he was of me. Yes, I do feel him with me. All the time. But I want him HERE in the flesh, dammit!

It's all so unfair to find each other only to lose him. But I guess I could look at it this way: At least we found each other!

Big breath, calm down, and on to other things...

This morning, I decided to come back to Coldwater early so I could see some of the actors here perform one of the children's shows (it's called Popcorn Theatre; they get popcorn and juice boxes at intermission!) called Peter Rabbit and Friends. It was great fun, and it was wonderful to hear the kids giggle, laugh, and scream in delight! It reminded me how much I loved doing children's theatre back in the late 1980s at the Riverwalk, a theatre in Lansing about 2 miles from my house. This particular show today was written by the director of Fiddler (and the artistic director of the Tibbits Opera Theatre) Charles, and his partner--another person taken from us way too soon. I have so appreciated the conversations I've had with my friend, Charles, about how similar the path was for both of us when we lost the love of our lives. I so appreciate his kindness! It's also been fun to see him portray the Rabbi again, in Fiddler--he was the rabbi in my first appearance as the fiddler back in the mid-1980s at the True Grist Dinner Theatre in Homer, Michigan.

Last week, Popcorn Theatre performed another original show--the premiere of the new musical Magic Rocks, written by some members of last year's actors (two of the three have returned this year!). It is wonderful and I believe has a great future as a much-performed and beloved children's (geared at about late elementary to middle school aged kids but appealing for all ages--I loved it!) show. Riverwalk peeps, are you reading this?

This show has pushed me to play more, though I don't like playing in this heat. I'm going to play in the summer orchestra in St. Johns this year, but I am sincerely hoping it is cooler when we play outside at the end of July! Today is much better than it was for the last week, though. First time in awhile I've taken Elvis outside and wanted to stay outside for awhile!

Tonight, my high school class is having its 35th reunion at a park in Marshall. Hoping the weather holds out for them, as thunderstorms are predicted. I was going to try to make the last bit of it, but I'm so tired after the performances and I think it'll be about wrapped up by the time I'm done. I may stop by the Relay for Life for a bit, though...it feels odd to know that last year I purchased a luminary in honor of my husband and that this year, I will purchase one in his memory (and also one in memory of my brother). Again, not fair. But back to the reunion--my classmates have been so supportive of me during this time, and I'm just amazed. So, if you're in the class of 1978 at Marshall High, know that I love you guys and will see you in five years! In the meantime, hoping I can catch up with some people tomorrow if they're still in town.

I was thinking just now that my time won't be filled with activity again for the first time in about a month after tonight's performance (other than the summer orchestra). I'll be sad to see this end.

Anyone want to go to the other two productions left this summer with me? They're doing the Mel Brooks musical The Producers and then will end the summer with The Foreigner, a wonderful comedy that I saw for the first time two or three years ago with my good friend, Randy, in the title role.

Well, that's about it for now...

Blessings,

Tam

PS Here are some photos from my time in Coldwater! No pictures of me, yet, but I'm hoping to get some as the fiddler--stay tuned!

Fireworks, Fiddler, Faith, and Flipping Fun.

Well, it's been awhile...and because of that, I have a lot to write about tonight.

Today, I had an appointment in the Detroit area (Farmington Hills) with the Michigan Ear Institute. My second visit there. Today, I was scheduled for some balance tests. But at about 4:30 PM on the day before the holiday, the office called to say I needed a referral. Pretty confusing, since I thought I had hand-carried one in when I was at their office at the end of May. After a few phone calls to my primary doctor and to the MSU representative for my health insurance, we settled on getting a referral sent from my primary tomorrow (since neither doctor or the referral person were in the office today, the day after a holiday weekend! Completely understandable!), since the insurance person said there would be no problem having a retro referral. I may have to work some additional magic with her, since the institute says I owed about 75 bucks from last time because they think the payment didn't come (BCN insists it did but doesn't know how since the paper I had hand carried in was actually not a referral but an authorization to consult...there's a difference?). I went ahead and paid it but I think the insurance company will owe me some money.

Anyway, so thankful to the patient staff-person at MEI, the staff at my primary doc, the coworkers that helped me connect with our BCN rep, and of course...the BCN rep herself. See? It pays to be working in the office I'm in...I know far more about this stuff (between my work and all the things John and I went through) than I would if I were a music teacher! Too bad, though, I have to...because I do miss the teaching. Not the other stuff that comes with it, but the teaching itself? Yes. I do miss it a lot.

So, I was allowed to have my appointment. A good thing, since I'd driven quite a distance for the appointment! The first thing I did was go through a series of balance tests involving a machine called the Epley chair. From my research, I learned that there are only about 10 of these chairs in the US. So, picture one of those flight chairs that astronauts and pilots in the military have to use. You know the one...it flips you every which way including upside down? If you don't have the idea, check out Youtube and Google...there are examples there. Anyway, I had no dizziness. But then again, I haven't had more than little tiny spurts of vertigo for at least 2 or 3 weeks! I felt tiny bits of it in the chair but much less than normal. When I was in the chair, I wore some special goggles (very stylish...not!) that measured my eye movements.

Then, I saw my doctor, who said the bppv seems to have resolved. He says I have to keep up the meds, watch what I eat (salt-wise, especially), and keep up the exercises. He thinks the exercises put the crystals back where they belong. Yes. Everyone has rocks in their head. They are tiny crystals on the hairs inside your inner ear. When they get knocked loose (like when I had that concussion in October), you get positional vertigo. He then showed me the MRI of my brain and said it came out normal- no tumors, though he showed me something that the radiologist seemed concerned about. From the report:

"Greater than 10 nonspecific supratentorial deep white matter and bifrontal/biperietal subcortical white matter lesions without evidence of mass effect or enhancement to suggest a recent abnormality."

Basically, what I got from the doctor is that we all get these white matter lesions as we get older. I have a few more than what's normal. Here's what has put me into a worrisome dark place tonight is that he said that sometimes can indicate MS. Yes. Multiple Sclerosis. He didn't seem to think that's what it was, but it still left that nagging doubt within me. When I asked if I should have another one in a few months, he didn't seem to think it was necessary. I do know that I've had a CTscan (back in October) and MAYBE an MRI a few years ago on my head, so I'm going to  see if Sparrow or MSU (I had them both places) have those available for the doctor to compare.

After the appointment, though I was seriously tired, I decided to drive back to Marshall, where Elvis is staying (I've been puppy sitting for the last week...more on that later). I probably should have at least waited; I drove through the worst storm I've ever driven in (water on the highway, stupid drivers, lightening, wind, and downpour, with  no safe place to pull over). I learned later that there was a severe thunderstorm warning in that area; I'm sure I saw at least one rotation in the clouds. Terrified? Yes. Praying? Oh, heck yes!

My family is being kind enough to allow me to stay at their house as I go to Fiddler rehearsals. I was going to stay in Lansing tonight and tomorrow, but I'm just too wiped out and I won't have time to really do much at the house after work tomorrow and Wednesday. So...I'll continue the commute for two more days and then we're fully into Fiddler on the Roof performances.

Fiddler has been a bit of fun; I'm glad that I took the role of the Fiddler once more, though I had sworn I'd finished doing it the last time (about 13 years ago, I think?). This is the ninth time I've done the role. Probably the last. Maybe. Who knows? I think this will be a wonderful production. I heard the cast sing for the first time on Sunday and they are wonderful; what a voice the Tevye in this production has! He's an operatic singer, so you can well imagine.

If you are in the area, do come--it opens this Thursday (July 10) and runs through July 20. For more information, check out tibbits.org!

I went to a lovely concert on July 4th at the fountain in downtown Marshall. I had decided that I would stand in honor of my dad and my husband at the playing of the Air Force song. So...as the song began, I stood up, holding my cell phone up (with a picture of John in the superman shirt) and started crying. I was with a friend of mine who lives in my home town, and she has the ability to see ghosts...she's a seer. Anyway, she started tapping me like crazy during the USAF song. She said later that she saw John standing right next to me...with hair, and I'm guessing without the 100 pounds of weight gained. I've seen and felt too much not to believe her, and it made me so glad. I just wish I could have seen him, too. A few days later (Sunday), I sang a couple of solos at the local Episcopal church, and I tell you...during the second solo--a spiritual I have sung often and know in my heart--I didn't see John but I felt him there. Right beside me. He was always so proud of my singing and would brag to anyone who would listen about my accomplishments. Think about it: Why wouldn't he be there?

And Friday night...I went to sleep without blankets because it was warm, but woke up this morning with blankets on me. The only other beings here during that time were Elvis, Goose, and Homer (all dogs). Now, unless they have learned to cover me, I think John did. Reason I think that: He always would cover me. Even at the Stoneleigh Residence hospice. And when he could no longer cover me, he'd ask staff to do it.

I don't think he ever left; his body is no longer here, but I think he's here with me more than ever. And the best part: the cancer is GONE! And, apparently, the hair is BACK!

Anyway, I had a good holiday. No fireworks in the traditional sense...other than some firecrackers from the neighbor next door, which didn't please Homer one bit...but I saw balloons and barnstormers from the nearby Balloon Festival...and I had John.

That's good enough.

And now, I think I'm going to get some sleep. I am very very wiped out and worried and have a headache and all sorts of things. So off  I  go..at least until my family is back from their evening activities. I will try to go to work tomorrow; it'll be an early day so it's best that I try to sleep now. Let's hope that I succeed.

As I sign off, I'm thinking of the song from Music Man (a movie based on the wonderful musical written by Meredith Willson--played on Turner Classic Movies--right after Yankee Doodle Dandy, another favorite--on the holiday)...

Sweet dreams be yours dear, if dreams there be...
sweet dreams to carry you close to me...
I wish I may...and I wish I might...
Now goodnight, my someone (named John), goodnight!

Five months: He lives in me...

Today marks five months since John ended his earthly journey. And what a journey it was.  I had a rather difficult day but…for some reason, I also felt John was nearer to me than ever.

All day long, music from the show "Lion King" kept running through my head. This was a show that John and I went to, and I think it was probably John's favorite show...and one of mine, too. His particular favorite was Circle of Life. I think it was both the words and the staging for this song, which occurs at the beginning and the end of the stage show. Here’s a clip from it:

Circle of Life

My favorite—and the main one running through my head for the last day or two, is this one—He Lives in You:

He Lives in You (Reprise)

With these two songs running through my head…I was looking through some photos I had of John as a sort of comfort. And this is what I found. It’s from a trip to the local zoo that we took a few years ago…one of those accidents in photography that turns out to be treasured ones.

I’ll leave you with the photo, along with lyrics to the two songs. I’m crying too much to really type more now.

He lives in me. And to paraphrase a quote from "Wings of Desire," a favorite movie that John introduced me to when we were dating, "I can't see him...but I know he's there."

He is.

Lyrics for Circle of Life:

From the day we arrive on this planet

And blinking, step into the sun

There's more to see than can ever be seen

More to do than can ever be done

There is far too much to take in here

More to find than can ever be found

But the sun rolling high

Through the sapphire sky

Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the circle of life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and love

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle

The circle of life

It's the circle of life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and love

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle

The circle of life.

--Elton John & Tim Rice

Lyrics for He Lives in You:

Night and the spirit of life calling mamela

And a voice just the fear of a child answers mamela

Wait, there's no mountain too great

Hear the words and have faith

Have faith

He lives in you

He lives in me

He watches over

Everything we see

Into the water

Into the truth

In your reflection

He lives in you

He lives in you

He lives in me

He watches over

Everything we see

Into the water

Into the truth

In your reflection

He lives in you

 --Music and Lyrics by Mark Mancina, Jay Rifkin, and Lebo M