Have I Lost My Way?

It's been a rough week, but is starting to get a bit more...peaceful.

In sorting out various personal affairs, I had some encounters with "customer service" this week that would upset anyone. Add to that a partial inability to keep from crying, along with a "I won't take this from anyone" attitude, and it pretty much describes my Monday this week. As you can see from my previous post, I was probably headed for a melt-down anyway.

Early on in the cancer journey with John, someone wisely told me that when things are so overwhelming, sometimes it's easier if you let other people do the praying for you--when your strength is gone and feel like giving up, let someone...or lots of people...step in.

When I was at my absolute lowest with these people who had no compassion in their dealings with me over the phone, a friend stepped over to me and prayed over me. Instantly, I felt a surge of peace surround me, as if God's arms were gathered around me. I know they always are, but I was acutely aware of it after this prayer. And in the remaining business I had to do with these folks, suddenly everyone became more friendly and helpful. No coincidence, I think.

I had moments during that evening, still...but none of the feelings of utter uselessness that tried to take over. The prayer had beaten that back. To end my evening, a friend called me just to chat, and I got out a good cry on a more-than-willing shoulder and ended up having one of the most peaceful sleeps I've had in ages because of it. And I'm still here on the other side of all of that, and though I'm still feeling quite sad right now, it's not the desperate "darkest night of my soul" type of feeling. Much more...manageable, if that makes sense.

What's added to that I feel that people may be tiring of me and it's become much more "quiet" in my life. People are still there for me, but I just feel like maybe I'm being too...needy. It's not intentional if I am...I'm just trying to navigate across uncharted waters right now, a boat without my main oar.

Anyway, I apologize to anyone that I may have offended along the way. Maybe it's my imagination, though...I just know those nagging lonelies are my constant companion even when there are a lot of people around.

And I am so tired. I try to go to bed early but even that doesn't always help. Grief is exhausting.

I've found some things to occupy my time lately; I'm in a book group discussion (as I mentioned in my last post); I'm sad that's over with for now (because of the upcoming Holy Week).

I also purchased at a deep discount 11 meals for the price of 10 at the residence halls.

Now, I need to mention that the food at today's residence halls is not the same as the stereotypical cafeteria food of my college days. On campus folks need to compete now with off campus options more than ever, so many cafeterias have upgraded to cater to the students and are offering these very attractive plans to faculty and staff of MSU, too. I can't eat at home for the low price they're offering. The only problem with the ones I've been to thus far is the noise level, though the newest one I've been to seems to have taken some measures to deal with the sound, as it's not nearly as bad. Many times, I bring my laptop or nook to dinner with me and put my headphones on to listen to music or movies to block out the noise, so it's not too bad. I did think I'd be one of the only non-students eating in these places. Not true. Well done, MSU!

I've not been too interested in performing lately; I thought I'd "find" it again at some point but not just yet, particularly with singing. I do have a couple of things coming up for violin, though, that feel like "safe" places to start playing.

First of all, I'll be playing for a portion of the daytime Good Friday service this year. Appropriately somber stuff in a minor key or something close to minor (sometimes I like to get all "mode-y;" you music majors will get that), so my plan is to do some improvisational stuff and throw in some of the Holy Week plainchant stuff on the violin for good measure. I've done that before, and it seemed to work out well and actually felt pretty prayerful for me. A good way to get started, much more manageable than jumping into a group thing at the moment.

The other opportunity just came up in the last 24 hours; I've been asked to portray the Fiddler again. I've played that part many many times over the years in both amateur and professional productions. A friend is directing it for summer stock this year--and it seems fitting that not only have I played the part under his direction before...but he was also in the cast for the first production I was ever in! It feels safe, it feels familiar, and as much as I can say it musically these days, it feels like home. So, when I realized that my schedule would permit this activity, I said yes.

A fiddler on the roof, again? Sounds crazy, no?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Shalom.