Two years into the journey.

Two years ago this week.

Two years ago, about this time, John had a seizure at Beggar's Banquet, another one at the emergency room, and about now we were waiting for an MRI and then a room for John in the Neuro Intensive Care Unit.

Such a journey from then until now. Up until 10 months ago, tomorrow, it was John and me, finally really understanding what love is, and living it every day as one--maybe for the first time since we were newlyweds. This is the time when we really realized we meant all the vows we said to each other on that early September day in 1994.

Lately, I've been struggling with a few things.

I keep replaying certain things through the last five years or so...how I really didn't like it that John played video games all the time. How he didn't stand up for himself sometimes. Even to me. Other things. And I would lose my patience with him.

And beating myself up over how I should have done things.

He wanted a scooter. I was terrified for him, and kept asking him not to get one. He wanted a tattoo (at least early on in the marriage), and I told him my apprehensions. He never got a tattoo. He never got a scooter, even though I was about ready to give in just before he got sick.

But then I remember good things. Going to movies. Playing trivia (and boy, he was so smart!). Talking about books and music and politics and photography and animals. How I love that he took up gardening. And for me, he became a big Spartan football fan, even though he'd really not watched much sports in his life before me.

And some of the travels we had--most memorable, was the honeymoon in 1994, the trip to Valparaiso for the beagle nationals, the trip to see our nephew graduate from the University of Maine, and the trip to Florida in 2010 to celebrate my 50th birthday...and even the second trip weeks later for a sad event--to see his dying mother for the last time--and the trip to New York for his father's funeral.

And after the cancer invaded our lives, we grew closer and closer--even though things were getting better anyway...the cancer just made us stronger, I think. And you know what? John forgave me for the stupid things I did. I know he did. He told me so--a day or two after his surgery, I cried as I walked with him along the hallway of the Neuro-ICU. He asked what was wrong. I said, "I'm so sorry for how I treated you recently!" He had such a sweet smile on his face, kind of incredulous at the same time...and his words to me were: "I don't remember any of that!"

I think about how our lives revolved around schedules, medications, doctor's appointments...and how we were so tired but always held each other up. I remember the night we thought our new furnace was broken. No heat, and it was a cold winter night in early 2012. Rather than calling someone that night, we just held on tight. Sometimes I can still remember how good that felt. How tired we were, but we knew we'd be okay because we kept each other warm. And the spooning again that very last night at home before that morning that we ran to the hospital--John in the only time when he was in excruciating pain (from the meningitis). We were together, watching Craig Ferguson and giggling like crazy. I've only recently been able to watch that show again. And it's just not funny to me anymore.

And sitting in Stoneleigh Residence on May 4, 2012, his first night of what would be 8 months in hospice...deleting those alarms for the meds. The moment I went from the caregiver/spouse that I was for six months...to being his wife and life partner. I am so grateful to the staff at the hospice for giving us this precious gift of time together. They took such good care of us.

All the people took great care of us...from the people at Beggar's Banquet, to the paramedics, to the hospital staff, to the doctors and surgeons and their staff...to the volunteers at the cancer center...all the way to the wonderful folks at Stoneleigh.

And our friends and families...words cannot express how thankful we were/I am for all the support, prayers, and love outpouring for us.

So very thankful.

And that gets to the other thing on my mind right now--something I've mentioned before.

The holidays.

I am dreading them. They've never been the same since my brother died in 1999, and with each loss, it gets harder.  But this year? The worst. I heard about a really cool thing someone did on the first holiday family meal they had without their spouse. They set a place for them and left that chair empty. I think that's lovely.

Not sure what I'm doing on the holidays; I'll take them as I can. The choir I'm in is helping a great deal. It's the only time I'm able to sing Christmas music without crying. And the annual Lansing event called Silver Bells? I can't go to it again...at least not for a long time. John and I went to the one in 2010 together and had a wonderful time. I remember (kind of laughing about it now as I picture it) we decided to leave the car at home and take the bus--something that was very wise because it gets crazy in downtown Lansing. We stood near the state Christmas tree in front of the capital and watched the lights turn on and the fireworks display.

We decided we'd walk home after getting a cup of cocoa. He was used to walking that far, because it wasn't much further than his office to home. Well, about half way home, I was in a LOT of pain. But he helped me get home by letting me lean on him.

He was always taking care of me. Even when I didn't realize it.

I know I will be okay. I just have to get through the holidays, even though they're pretty much shoved in my face. No one's fault. I don't want to take away the joy from others, of course.

I used to love Christmas. And Thanksgiving.

Another thing I took great joy in has given me a bit of sorrow lately. I've seen several movies when I'm trying to find something to occupy time...and about 90% of the time, I can't get through without crying. You see, John and I met over movies. We were both on a movie listserv beginning in around 1993, and you could say we were pioneers in the land of internet dating--only we didn't meet on a dating site and neither of was really looking when we found each other.

So most movies and a great deal of music is kinda ruined for me right now. I have to choose stuff very carefully.

A friend came to visit me on the night John first was checked into the hospital. She, too, is missing her husband a great deal. She said to me something like "This is going to hurt like nothing else you've experienced."

She was right. I miss him all the time.

Now, I don't want people to think I'm crippled by grief. Well, in some ways, I guess I am. But I manage to function. I go to work. I am gradually adding a few activities to my daily routine. I'm working on my health. I'm planning trips. I had the roof fixed. I have someone mowing the lawn and hopefully shoveling my driveway when the snow flies this winter.

But there's this huge huge hole that I don't think will ever be filled with anything other than the complete love I feel for John.

Thank everyone for their support of us and of me after John passed ten months ago.

Thank you, John, for being a part of my life--however brief that time was.

There's a quote I kept thinking about from a song. I'll end with that:

The Nature Boy

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far,
Over land and sea.
A little shy
And sad of eye,
But very wise, very wise was he 

Until one day,
One lucky day he passed my way,
And while we talked of many things
Fools and kings,
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing, 
 You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return.


And thanks to you, John, I know that I have loved and have been loved in return, and that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Thanks for allowing me to go on the journey with you.
Love always,
Your Girl.

I'm still here!

Old Town Lansing Trick or Treat (Howl-O-Ween). Elvis went as Count Beagula. 

It's been a busy few weeks.

One of the "fun" things that happened recently is that I got a flu shot. And then the flu a couple days later. I don't blame the shot...anymore. My doctor says it takes about two weeks to take full effect, and several medical professionals in my life agree that I probably had something brewing before the shot. So...I spent four days in respiratory misery...actually a portion of another day, too.

You see, it's hard to tell if I'm really starting to get something these days, because most days I feel run down, especially by the time evening falls.

So, on a Tuesday, I had the shot. I probably shouldn't have, because I was feeling particularly run down that day. And it went downhill from there. By Thursday evening, I knew something was going on. The next day, I had several appointments. First one was to a podiatrist. Since technically, I'm diabetic (but don't need insulin), it's good to have the feet checked once per year. Good news on that, no nerve damage! Yay. But I was really starting to feel bad. After that appointment, I had an occupational therapy session for my thumbs. More on that later. I should have certainly gone home and to bed by then. Did I? No. I kept my appointment at the Ear Institute. I was in misery by that point and nearly fell asleep on the highway. After the appointment, I slept in the car for a little while. I learned a little lesson in that: next time I have to go to an appointment like that, first of all, don't go if I'm sick. Secondly, board Elvis so if I HAVE to wait to come home, I don't have to worry about him. Another thing: I hate hearing tests, and they're even worse when you don't feel well. I just hope I didn't infect everyone. I haven't had any hate mail/calls, so perhaps not.

When I got home that Friday evening, I went to bed, where I mainly stayed through the following Monday night, with the exception of trips to the drug store and to Urgent Care.

When I started feeling better, my cough-variant asthma kicked in, which almost always happens when I have some sort of respiratory aliment (flu or bronchitis or walking pneumonia) this time of year. The bad news is that the coughing usually doesn't totally go away until spring. That may change this year, as my doctor decided to have me use a nebulizer four times per day for the next month. She said that any time I have this happen, this will help. And it does. To a point. Nights (pre-nebulizer time) are usually the worst.

Well, I received some advice to try a supplement that is supposed to work wonders. I'm usually a skeptic about some things..but then I thought...hey, I was a skeptic about acupuncture until I actually used it during my second and most recent bout with Bell's Palsy. 20 sessions, and the nerve paid was GONE FOR GOOD after the first one. Previous to that, I was on pain killers, which were just making me loopy, which drove my dear husband crazy. He really didn't like it when I was on those sorts of meds. Truthfully, I don't like them, either. I continued the other 19 treatments and believe they helped me heal faster from the Bell's episode.

So, now I'm trying something called "Pneumotrophin PMG." My first dose was three pills (chewed to achieve a faster result, as recommended. They said it was nasty-tasting, and they weren't kidding.) at about 5pm tonight. But I have to say that now, at about 7pm, I think I notice that I'm not coughing as much as I normally am by this time of night. I'm supposed to take another dose before bedtime, so we'll see. At this point, I'm ready to try anything, as long as it doesn't kill me. :)

Health-wise, I'm in surprisingly good shape at the moment, aside from the usual and the asthma. However, my immediate concern is my weight. So...that's the next thing I have to work on. I haven't been on the trike since the flu episode, sadly.

Tomorrow, the roofers are coming to re-do the roof. John and I had the roof done almost exactly ten years ago, and it's in HORRIBLE shape. If it weren't for the statute of limitations, I'd be having the previous company pay the LARGE amount I'm having to pay for this more reputable company to start at the beginning again. But at least, my kitchen will be dry when they're done, even if there's a fairly large hole in my pocket.

The goal is to sell that money pit of a house, but in order to even consider doing it, I have to bring things up to code..and the roof is definitely not. These guys will not only replace/fix the roof, they'll replace the gutters. I think it'll be worth it.

I mentioned the therapy on the thumbs. I have osteoarthritis, diagnosed at about age 30. Back then, it was only bothering my hip and knee joints occasionally. Now, it's different. My knees get really bad sometimes (not lately when I'm riding the trike) and my thumbs--particularly the left (fingering) hand thumb--have really really been painful. I think the main problem is that I almost completely stopped playing while John was sick. Not his fault. I just lost the desire to make any music of my own. Very little singing, very little violin-ing. The therapy IS helping, so that's good.

I have reason to get the thumbs in shape: I've been invited to go on a one-week tour of Italy to play violin with the Kellogg Community College chorus (KCC is a community college in Battle Creek, MI). I want to be able to be much healthier when I go, which is late in June.

It's very exciting; I've been to Europe, but never in the southern part. On this trip, I'll visit Rome, Vatican City (including the Sistine Chapel), Pompeii, Sorrento, Capri, and other places along the Amalfi Coast. I think it will help me get through the winter months, which seem much longer here in Michigan.

My alma mater's football team is really doing well; my husband never followed sports before he joined my family, but became quite an MSU Spartan football fan over the recent years. And he would be happy about this year. Last Saturday, MSU's number one defense rolled over the University of Michigan like I'd never seen before. I almost felt sorry for their quarterback, as he didn't seem to be getting any help from his team. Almost felt sorry for the UM team. Almost. But not quite. I do have respect for their coach and think that, given some time and some good recruiting, they'll be back to become a force to be reckoned with again. I hear calls for his firing, but I think they're being unfair. He's a good coach. Our team was better on Saturday. That's all. I can't believe I ever was mad that Nick Saban left MSU. Mark Dantonio is a loyal Spartan, a great coach, and a great guy. Alabama can have Saban, as far as the MSU faithful are concerned. Looks like there's a bowl game in the future. Which one depends on how MSU does with the next three (maybe four, if the three games are won) games.

John's last birthday, wearing the Hicks family uniform. :)

Right now, I'm having a horrible time dealing with the approaching holidays. I used to love Christmas. I'm not so fond of it anymore. It started in Christmas 1999 when my family had their first Christmas without my older brother, Curtis. It intensified with each loss (2002 both my parents passed). John started to understand that more after he lost his parents in 2010. I remember the first Mother's Day that happened after his mother died. He looked at me, and with sad eyes said, "I get it, now." I said, "Unfortunately, the only way you would ever understand how I felt about Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, birthdays, etc was when you went through similar loss." I remember we hugged each other tight that day.

And now I face Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year without the absolute love of my life. I miss him so much...sometimes it becomes a real ache.

Don't misunderstand: I have started to have more good moments than not, these days...but little things can set me off sometimes. I watched some commercial about a dog food today and started sobbing. Things like that. And I don't know if I'll ever get used to the nights without John. Having Elvis helps, but it it just not the same thing. He has been such a loyal boy. Does his best to try to cheer me up; showers me with kisses and cuddles when I don't feel well.

I don't know what I'd do without him. Not only do I need him, but more importantly, I think, he's someone that needs me. And that's a huge thing right now.

That's about all of my rambling for tonight.

Tam