Grandma Hicks' favorite hymn

My dad's mother--my Grandma Hicks--loved to play her organ. My understanding is that she learned piano at a young age. I never have heard whether she had lessons or if she just picked it up on her own, just like my Grandma Mac, another fine musician. Anna Hicks' father, Fredric Roberts, was a fine fiddle player; I had the honor of inheriting his fiddle. Grandma often accompanied her father for town dances. When Grandma learned that I had started learning how to play violin, she quietly went to a closet and brought out the fiddle--then in great disrepair--to give to me. I remember my dad had tears in his eyes.We took the fiddle in for restoration and Dad, himself, fixed the case, using velvet in the interior from scraps my mother had from a dress she'd made me a few years before. I still treasure that fiddle, and have played it for many special occasions, including the funerals for Dad and most of his siblings.

In later years, Grandma Hicks told me it was much easier to play the organ over the piano--it didn't bother her joints as much, I expect.

On a recent visit to church, I was thumbing through one of the hymnals and learned that a favorite hymn of hers was in it! She often told me how much she loved "An Evening Prayer." I can still remember her playing that hymn, accompanying her then-soft singing of the words. I never tired of hearing her play and sing.

Doing some research, I learned a lot of people have covered this hymn: George Beverly Shea, Jim Reeves, Elvis Presley, among others. I found a lovely live recording of Glenn Bengtsson (of Sweden, I think; I don't know anything about him) singing it--I didn't post that one because the recording was made from a distance and doesn't sound clear. Here's a recording on YouTube of Marty Robbins singing this lovely hymn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAqUEjP6Lw4

Be sure to check out the Elvis recording of this, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Aus5xcrUU

And here are the lyrics of this heartfelt prayer--words and music by C. Maude Bat­ters­by. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of information on her, other than she wrote this circa 1880s:

If I have wounded any soul today,
If I have caused one foot to go astray,
If I have walked in my own willful way,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have uttered idle words or vain,
If I have turned aside from want or pain,
Lest I myself shall suffer through the strain,
Dear Lord, forgive!

If I have been perverse or hard, or cold,
If I have longed for shelter in Thy fold,
When Thou hast given me some fort to hold,
Dear Lord, forgive!

Forgive the sins I have confessed to Thee;
Forgive the secret sins I do not see;
O guide me, love me and my keeper be,
Dear Lord, Amen.

Thank you, Grandma, for introducing this lovely hymn to me.

Morning Meltdown

Well, it was bound to happen. I was overdue.

I had a major meltdown this morning. The trigger was Elvis...he was unwilling to go with my schedule. I can't blame him now, but I was really angry earlier. Angry at the world. Angry at John.

He took over a half an hour in the backyard. Doing...nothing. And I was going to be late to church. It would have been okay to go late, but by the time he was done and kenneled, I was in no shape to go. So I changed from my Sunday best to my casual clothes, sat on my bed...and sobbed. For a long time.

After grabbing some breakfast, I let him out again, and of course, he had to "go" right away. And afterward, since it was raining (I had planned to do some work on the Saturn but not in the rain), I decided to take a nap. And took a long one with Elvis in my arms. This grieving business is exhausting.

The rain still hadn't stopped by the time I got around again, so guess what? I ended up doing nothing today, really, except walk Elvis, eat, watch television, and now...write.

And cry.

I just know tomorrow will be better. It has to be better...

In the meantime, this ache is real.

Hark! What is that orb in the sky? Meanderings from Dizzy Girl.

It's been awhile since my last post. A lot of crazy life got in the way for awhile, but I'm back. Taxes done, brakes fixed, Saturn almost ready to sell or donate...

It sure helps that we've had a couple days now with warmer temperatures and no rain. In case you don't live around here or have been under a rock recently, we've more than made up for the drought from last summer. The Grand and Red Cedar are filled to brimming, and spring sports--both high school and college--have had many delays and postponements due to either the weather itself or the resulting floods. Here's a few photos of what it looked like just a quarter-mile from my house:

MSU recently redid their baseball field, and it's lovely. But I admit that I was a little disappointed they didn't just move it to a dryer part of campus. That field always floods when there's significant rainfall. I can recall at least one time in my college career where people went out to play ball in canoes just for fun over in that location! I think it was even worse during the famous floods of the mid-70s (Spring 1975, I think?). Dad even mentioned there were floods there when he was attending in the late 1940s.

I continue to have battles with my house; flooding in the basement. But, I know the cause, now, and am going to be looking for a way to get that fixed. Primary on my list of home repairs needed is a new roof and new gutters/downspouts. In the meantime, I have buckets in strategic places and there's barely any moisture in the basement now. Phew! Once the section of roof and gutters are done, the kitchen needs repair. And from there, I'll try to figure out exactly what's needed to be able to legally sell the house down the road. My goal is by the end of next summer. Hopefully, though, it'll be sooner. I just need to fix the things that will bring it to a sell-able condition.

I'm so glad for an accessible garage--thanks to my cousin for the new door last fall. One problem, though, is that I really do need to get rid of the Saturn. Someone in the neighborhood recently offered to buy it. I'm doing my research to see what it would be worth sans a working engine and after doing my taxes and talking to tax experts, it makes sense to sell the thing if I really do have an offer. If the offer is not good enough according to my research, then I'll donate it and use it as a write-off next tax season.

That brings me to taxes. It was so strange and at some moments, difficult to do the taxes this year. Now, I've always done the taxes during the marriage (except for the first few years of home ownership, when we had them done). And TurboTax was a lot easier this year than past years.

The difficult part was checking the yes box on John's part where it asks if he's died before the taxes were filed. I checked the box and had to save and log off for awhile while I digested that fact and had a little cry.

The good news for next year is that I've learned that the life insurance payouts I got are not taxable, so I won't be taking the hit I thought I would when I file the 2013 taxes. That's good news. That's also the reason I'm more willing to sell the Saturn for scrap or whatever. Anyway, I'm so glad about that news; seems like I've endured enough punishment for losing my soul mate.

I realized earlier today that it's been exactly a year since John nearly died in the hospital as result of the meningitis complications. Thanks to prayer (all over the world!) and John's strong will, courage, and love of me and the rest of his family, he survived another 8 months. And in some ways, even thrived, believe it or not. That's also thanks to the good people at Sparrow, his doctors and nurses, and the folks at Stoneleigh. I am so appreciative of the support I've gotten from family, friends, and even strangers during this walk.

The weather is so different today than it was a year ago. I remember we had tornado warnings that day or at least within a day of his near-death. I remember looking outside, and among the storm clouds was a rainbow.

So far, this spring has not only been wet (with some snow thrown in this past week!), but it's been cold and dark. Sorta fits my mood sometimes. I feel much better when the sun is out, believe me.

My big thing now is that the vertigo seems to be troubling me a lot lately. It started within days of a particularly strong bout with the "stomach flu" (mentioned in the previous post) and has been happening on and off on a daily basis for about three weeks now. Most times, it's positional and as long as I know what motions set it off (so I can avoid them), I'm fine. But occasionally, like earlier this week, it's all-out and I can't go anywhere. Elvis seems to be patient with his mom needing to move slowly, and that's good. My only complaint right now is that there have been enough of the vertigo attacks that I don't feel good about traveling far, so I've missed a number of things my niece and nephew have been doing sports-wise. Hoping to get back to those things soon.

Elvis had a fun evening (as did I) a couple of weeks ago. I was invited to watch the final NCCA championship basketball game at Sarah's house (she's the Canterbury MSU chaplain). So, Elvis and I went and Elvis had a great time playing with Sarah's two dalmatians--Chip and Jack. Elvis was so worn out by the end that I had a horrible time waking him up the next morning. "But Mom...I'm so tired!" Hoping to get Elvis back there for more playdates soon.

I got a call from one of my college roommates (I'm in contact these days with four former roomies!); she said she was going to be in town today and would we like to meet up? So I met her and her kids and a few other people at El Azteco, a popular hangout in East Lansing. Got me a chance to get some of their cheese dip. I make a pretty good version of it, too, when I have time. It is fabulous...albeit not very authentic Mexican fare. At any rate, it was great to catch up with her and I'm glad she was in town today. Hoping to follow up with a visit to Grand Rapids to see her again soon.

I'm at a good place today, and again I think it's the sun shining and the warm temperatures. I don't always post everything that's going on in my life--I've had some tough things lately that really make the loneliness acute and cause all the other symptoms of profound grief: anger, depression, guilt. So, dear readers...I'm not always as "together" as I may appear. But I truly am at a good place. Right. Now.

Speaking of orbs that rule the sky: Have you seen the beautiful full moon we had recently? I felt John so close to me when I saw that!

Speaking of John...I think I had another episode of "John's messing with me again." Actually a couple of episodes.

Episode One: The crocus plants John put in the garden came out about a week or two ago. He always planted very colorful flowers. In the middle of the various shades of purples and yellows, there appeared a white blossom or two. And some appeared across the fence from our back yard. I don't remember seeing them before. I am pretty sure John didn't plant them. About two days later, they disappeared after a snowfall. No evidence that they were even there. If I hadn't taken a photo of them, I wouldn't believe they were ever there. Uh...John?

Episode Two: A couple of Sundays ago, I was in my pjs watching an episode of Call the Midwife on PBS. The show had just finished, and I was trying to decide what I wanted to watch and all of a sudden, the television started changing channels.

So here's the deal: I have an old television with a digital box thanks to the US Government and no cable by choice. The digital box was fine. The television itself was changing channels. The remote for the actual tv is almost never used, and was off to the side. When I grabbed it (because using the buttons on the television made things worse, loud loud static, etc. Elvis was even freaked out a bit.). I knew I had to try to change the channel back to 4 so I could watch some more. When I got my hands on the actual remote, I realized that the batteries on it were dead as a doorknob. So what the heck? . I fished for new batteries, inserted them, turned the channel back to 4, and everything was fine, no incidents since. Uh...John?

I recently had a chance to see John's gravestone at Fort Custer. I was in the area at my niece's soccer game. The game was called due to a thunderstorm, so I thought, well, it's light out still--somewhat, anyway--and I can just drive by the site and if the storm calms down, I can go out with my umbrella and have a look. Things did calm a bit so I stepped out of the car. This is what I found:

Look closely. Yes. I called the cemetery the next day, and they assured me it will be fixed within two weeks. Funny thing: You can see the reflection of my umbrella over the stone. What you can't see is that right when I realized that something was wrong with this, a big clap of thunder happened over my head. Yeah, John was shaking his head, wondering why they didn't get it right. He has brothers, not bread (if you know German, you'll get the humor).

The other place that John's ashes are interred is at the All Saints Garden. The plaque is up there now:

In a week or two, I'll take new photos of the garden...it is so lovely in the growing months. I'm thankful for the people who give it such loving care.

Oh, and look what I got in the mail from President Obama!

Family members: Let me know if you'd like one of these; I have an application to get more, if needed.

Well, I've written a novel tonight...and I have to get going. Hope to post sooner. Working on another blog which I'll premiere at some point...or not. Haven't decided. On that, I'll post prose and poetry. At least that's my hope. And then maybe a photo blog. We'll see...

In the meantime, I get on with things, always missing John intensely. One last thing I'll close with: at the Widowed Persons support group, our leader said that to help with healing relationships with other people and just healing in general, it's important to bless other people--even people who are the enemy, such as what happened in Boston (I was stuck in an auto dealership lounge the day it happened and was disgusted with the media's handling of this from start to end. Thankfully, I had my iPod nearby and have banned myself from national "news" for awhile, as it's most upsetting)--and also, it's important to bless ourselves. Even my church agrees with this.

And so, dear friends and family, that's it for now...

Love...and blessings...to you.

Another Saturday night...but I do have somebody!

Well, the somebody is Elvis, right now. He takes good care of me!

I'm home after a busy day today. A nice evening of NPR, PJs, and the computer on the bed with my favorite beagle boy, Elvis.

It's been a crazy week. Some fun stuff, some not-so-fun stuff. Some sickness, some healing.

I managed to work three out of the five days this week. And I probably shouldn't have worked any of them, though Thursday I felt a little better.

At the end of the day on Wednesday, I went to visit the campus employee assistance office to talk to my counselor about what's going on with me in this grief-walk I'm in. I wanted to know how to deal with my anger. Anger is a part of grief, and she said I should make sure to cut myself some slack at this time, and hopes that people will cut me some slack when things happen that are grief triggers. I've been so upset about things in my life lately, but sitting in her office for an hour, I felt a lot better about myself. I was assured that everything I feel and think is normal right now, and that I shouldn't push myself. Gently down the stream, the song says.

After that, I decided I was finally tired of this physical crap I had been going through since about Sunday, and took myself to a local doc-in-the-box (urgent care). Not surprising to find out I had stomach flu. He said that the strain going around is a longer-than-24-hour type and that my symptoms were typical. So, instructions to eat the BRATY (bananas/rice/applesauce/toast/yogurt) diet for awhile and take a couple of prescription meds, and I was out of there. MSU Pharmacy only filled one of them, swearing one of them (after I called them later at about 20 minutes to closing) was over the counter. Three pharmacies later, at the Sparrow Outpatient Pharmacy, I learn that the other prescription was not only NOT over the counter, it was a controlled substance. Finally, I went home, took the meds, and went straight to bed with my beagle warmer.

One dose of each was all it took. And Thursday, like I said, I was a bit better. So...after work, a friend treated me to a lovely light dinner at her home, followed by Celtic Woman at the Wharton Center. A lovely concert...a lovely evening.

I headed to bed but woke up around 3 AM with horrible vertigo. Almost as bad as when I hit my head in October. I took some antivert and went to bed. Got up, tried to get ready for work, but nearly fell down the stairs trying to get Elvis outside. So, after taking care of that and carefully climbing back up the stairs, I notified work that I was staying home and I went back to bed. This was about 5:30 AM. I slept until 1 PM! Still was quite dizzy, so I just stayed in the bed except to take Elvis out. Finally, the meds kicked in around 5 or 6 PM...but other than a trip to the pharmacy, I stayed home until this morning. MUCH better today, it's only a little positional vertigo. So, I got my haircut (a little vertigo when getting out of the hair-wash chair), did an audition at Lugnuts stadium, got some tea and played on the computer for awhile, and then headed home.

I have sung the National Anthem almost every year that the stadium has been open. Last year, I turned them down because I didn't want to sing if John couldn't be there. This year, the organization wants anyone singing the anthem to audition first, and today was the day.

I was given a number and sat in the stadium seats until I was called up into a room. I sang. One of the people in the room remembered me from past years, and said he was going to approve me without having to go through the second phase. So, off I went.

Here's where I tell you I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I hadn't sung by myself in front of anyone since John got sick in November 2011. I nearly drove past the stadium. But I didn't.

I felt John with me; I think that's the only reason I didn't start crying. I knew he wanted me to do this. He was always so proud of my performances; so much so that sometimes it was embarrassing. But sweet, none the less.

Gently down that stream I go.

So, here I am...the only thing I wanted to do that I couldn't do today was see my nephew's baseball games. I hope they did well today.

So, I'm going to head to bed, now, after a pretty good day. And play some of that Cat Stevens I was listening to earlier...and maybe the spinning--which just started up again---will stop.

Hoping I can go to church tomorrow, but will stay here, of course, if the spinning hasn't stopped tomorrow morning.

Here cometh April...

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.
--Charles Lamb

I've been fighting some sort of tummy bug for the last few days. I was feeling better today and ventured into work, but tonight, my stomach is a little "off," so I'm sipping some "Feel Better" herbal tea. It seems to be working...so far.

Spring is here, at least on the calendar. Hoping for warmer weather--and soon. At least we're seeing a bit more of the sun these days. But what's with the snow on my car this morning?

As I type this, I'm watching one of my favorite Cary Grant movies...and perhaps one of my favorite movies with anyone in it. People Will Talk is a wonderful movie. Check it on on Netflix. It's quite inspirational.

I attended some pretty inspirational services this weekend--at All Saints in East Lansing (my home church), and at Trinity Grand Ledge. I also had the chance to catch a baseball game and see Lake Michigan. Something about beaches--whether it's the ocean or one of our Great Lakes--that makes everything right, at least for the time I'm there.

But even that wouldn't override the digestive problems and the bit of vertigo.

I'm a bit better, as I said, but I think it'll be an early night for me once more. I had a very productive day at work today, and that helped me ignore how I was really feeling.

So...good night and sleep tight!