The escape.

I stayed home today because I wasn't feeling well. Now, this is something...I hate being in that house by myself any more than I have to, but today, I am stuck there. I won't go into the reasons other than to say I needed to stay in the house. I am feeling a little bit better now and may go out to get some medicine. I decided it was a good time to do some writing, though, so here I am.

Oh, and I promised in the previous post that I'd talk about some music that has been my brain theme these days. I hope to get into that into this entry, but not sure yet. Let's just see how it goes.

I think I'll talk about some things that happened from last Wednesday through yesterday first.

Lately I've been busy trying to find things to do to keep me occupied in the evenings so that when I'm ready to rest for the night, I'm ready and won't dwell on the overwhelming loneliness I feel these days. I'm trying hard not to let it consume me, but sometimes I fail at that, and I guess that's okay. I'm allowing myself to grieve, too, as I know that's important right now.

So...as you know, Monday was choir. Tuesday was orchestra. Wednesday...I did something very difficult. I went to work out at the gym for the first time since John's therapy. I had gone to have therapy on my heel and foot more recently, but in those times, I didn't "work out."

I decided I'd just use the treadmill, and ended up walking almost 2 miles. Headphones on, quietly crying the entire time. Picturing John walking on the treadmill next to me, just as we'd done many times during his physical and occupational therapy sessions. And then I had a nice hot shower afterward.

Thursday night, I took myself to a movie, choosing Silver Linings Playbook. I was actually okay at the movies. The movie wasn't all that close to hitting home, and that helped. And ultimately, I thought the movie was good, though I wasn't sure at the beginning that I was going to like it. I haven't gone to more than one or two movies since May...and really, not much more since November 2011. Prices have gone up, so I may have to limit myself to occasional movies at the matinee showings...or perhaps to one of the small-town theaters in neighboring towns.

Getting to work on Friday was a challenge; the snow had fallen and was just high enough to make the journey to work (at least the part in my neighborhood) a challenge; the roads were, however, also pretty scary. I was glad to get to work early (I always leave early when there's bad weather); I even got there before the plow trucks were done, so I sat and listened to the radio while waiting for spots to be cleared in the parking lot. I must say that they do a quick and efficient job!

After work, the gal that cuts my hair had agreed to give me a haircut right after work so that I could visit a friend over the weekend. So...freshly shorn and a little overnight case plus Elvis and his gear in the car, we headed for an adventure in Roseville, which is a suburb of Detroit. My college friend and her lovely husky-lab mix, Sandy, live in an adorable little house not far off the highway. And I have to tell you...Elvis has finally found a dog who will play with him. So Sandy and Elvis spent a good share of time romping in Suzanne's large backyard.

Most of the time, we just hung out, which was fine by me. We did normal things like walk the dogs, eat, chat, listen to music. My friend took me for a drive--mainly down Jefferson Ave through all the Grosse Pointes...all the way to Cobo Hall and back. She even took me by some of her old neighborhoods, and by Selfridge ANG base, where my dad's last ANG assignment was before he retired from military service. We even went by the home of the mayor of Detroit, though I'm told the current mayor does not live there. But it's the site of much intrigue during disgraced former Mayor Kilpatrick's term.

One of the fun things I saw on our little tour was a bunch of people ice fishing on a bay off of Lake St. Clair. I even got out of the car to take pictures; there was a club with fake palm trees, and some of the photos I took looked like summer in Florida with the white sand that was actually snow. And then the little shacks on the ice...hundreds of them!

Saturday, my friend had a babysitting job with a client of hers and his sister. It was a great deal of fun eating together, filling my friend's  tiny but inviting kitchen. This client is autistic, but my friend has made a profound difference in his life. In my eyes, he's a lovely ginger-haired 8 year old who has made great leaps in his development in the three years she's worked with him. I was amazed to learn of new legislation pushed by our not-so-beloved-by-me Governor. Apparently, this young man will have to be "re-certified" as autistic, as if this condition will ever go away. Testing costs thousands of dollars, not covered by insurance. This seems like some sort of racket to me. I can see re-certification for other temporary conditions, but autism? This seems very wrong. But they will have to do this every three years with him if they want him covered on his insurance.

Sunday, I slept in a little; and then I had breakfast and a massage. Did I tell you she's a certified massage therapist? She is amazing and I felt so good afterwards. I had really messed up my back from carrying water from the basement a few nights before, and this was wonderful.

Later, we traveled to Plymouth, were we attended a Sigma Alpha Iota alumnae meeting. SAI is the music fraternity both of us were in while we studied at Michigan State. It had been years since I'd been to a function, and I'd forgotten nearly everything, so I needed to be re-educated. My wonderfully talented friend sang at this; it was lovely to hear her sing after all these years and after all the health challenges she's had.

You see, she is a multiple cancer survivor. And she's been one of my best sources of support and knowledge; she helped me navigate this whole world of cancer treatments, trials, etc. And she also helped me in my...and actually our (John's, too) decision that enough was enough with the treatment. We talked a little, cried a little this weekend.

The subject of my pastor's homily came up. Suzanne had a difficult time with it--particularly the "it's not fair." I was confused, as I thought it was dead-on the right things to be saying. But I forgot about her perspective: She started to cry as she said it wasn't fair that she had survived and so many of her friends hadn't. I wish I'd said more because I know what I was thinking...so I'll say it now in case she reads this:

My dear friend, you are still here while so many--including my beloved husband--have passed from this heinous thing called cancer. You must not feel guilty about this because I don't think you realize what a wonderful person you are. So giving, even when you don't have that much financially to give. Yet you do. You give your whole heart. God needs you here and has a special purpose for you. John's purpose was fulfilled and though I miss him so very much, his work on earth is done. Yours...and mine...is not done.

It's not fair that cancer and other things hit us either directly or the people we love. It's not fair. But God did marvelous things with John and me, and he's done marvelous things through and for my friend.

So, I drove back last night after a little Chinese New Year feast with my friend and her dad. It was a little scary in places, as Detroit traffic seems to drive too fast all the time, even though it was a bit slippery and windy during my drive on the expressway. I loved my weekend escape and hope to have more adventures with her and with other friends, too.

Now, I'm feeling a little guilty because I yelled pretty badly at Elvis because he took so much time going to the bathroom last night. Here we were in the cold rain and he just didn't want to go, though I knew he must have to.

And it killed me because for awhile last night, he acted afraid of me. I don't know why I blew up--I didn't hurt him physically and never would. But he seemed to absorb my anger and steer clear. Later, just before I went to sleep, I pulled him close and he seemed to feel safe again with me. Soon, he was dreaming and barking in the dream..and even running a little. This morning, like I said, I didn't feel well so I've spent most of the morning cuddling with him and he seems to have forgiven me.

Well, I think I'm going to get a bit more rest this afternoon, with my wonderful and unconditionally loving beagle by my side.

One thing nice happened today; do you know how--when you drift in and out of sleep--you remember dreams a little more? Well, in one, I felt John spoon me. I didn't see him, but I felt his arms around me. And when I woke from that, I smiled through my tears.

I think I'll wait until another post to talk about music.

Until now, I'll try to remember that hug by my husband in my dreams and sleep some more today.