Nights are the most difficult.

Feeling much better, physically, I went to work. The day flew...maybe because it was filled with meetings.
This afternoon, I spent some time with Elvis right after work. I have to take him to the vet for his tri-annual rabies vaccination in the next few days; was going to do that this afternoon, but the driveway is too icy for me to walk a dog that still is learning the word "HEAL!" On my way home tonight, I think I'll pick up some regular salt. I have the special salt for tender beagle paws, but it's pretty expensive and thus reserved for the back steps and areas where Elvis frequents.

I also started working on the garage a little; some things to sort through and toss in there, and will gradually work on them. For now, though, they're safe. A friend of mine from work moved some things there from Stoneleigh for me, which was wonderful. Like I've said before, I want the first time I show up to visit Stoneleigh to be stress-free with no thoughts of what I have to move. Big thanks to the staff that was there to help my friends move things. I noticed that some of the things that were moved aren't actually mine, so when I can get to them, I'll have to get them back to the facility. For now, though, they're actually useful.
I noticed that the first of the life insurance amounts is ready to access very soon, and that's a relief. I'll use the first bit to pay off John's funeral and a few people who helped out with that; then, I'll consult with a financial advisor about how to handle the rest. I'd like to get this albatross called "my house" off my back, and am seriously considering paying the thing off and then fixing it up enough to sell it. But I'll discuss with experts the best way to handle that.

I managed to get to the gym again today and make arrangements to start my monthly payments again. Very reasonable and worth it to get my body healthy again. I figure if I work on that--which I'm thinking will also include another doctor-guided food detox--it might help my emotional health, too. It was a little easier this time but I still picture and feel John walking on the treadmill next to me.

Speaking of  emotional health, I signed up to attend a "widowed persons group" meeting. Those take place on the third Sunday afternoon of each month. This coming weekend is the first meeting for me. I'll post my reactions and feelings about the meeting sometime afterward.

For supper, I went to the Habitat for Humanity fundraiser--a Shrove Tuesday pancake supper. It was delicious. It was the first time I had been to the church since the funeral, and while the pastor burned the palms from last year for tomorrow's Ash Wednesday services, I stood near the place where ashes were buried in the garden...ashes that once were my husband. It was somewhat comforting. Hoping I can help out in the garden from time to time; I need to find out how I can do that.

I mentioned in another blog entry that I'd talk a little bit about music. At different times in this newer journey, different bits of music enter my busy brain and quiet me for awhile. One of the more recent songs is from the movie Moulin Rouge. It's called Come What May, and pretty much describes the last year for John and me. Following are the lyrics:

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I’ve never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart
Can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change
Winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may I will love you
Until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I will be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
Stars may collide
But I love you
Until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day

Here's a couple of links to the song. First--from the movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YsMvzgeSuI
And also from a really lovely rendition I have of Alfie Boe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rztp98FrxNc

I stopped to write this entry at a coffee shop on my way home and probably have procrastinated enough.
I used to look forward to getting home to spend time with John--especially in those last 14 months. Taking care of him was difficult, yes, but it was a privilege and an honor to care for such a kind, gentle, and brave man. Thank you, John. You made me a better person. Truly.

I just hope I can continue to live my life honoring your memory.

In the meantime,  I just don't like nighttime now. It's not that I'm afraid anymore. I got over most of that and only have occasional moments of fear. No. Most of the time, it's loneliness that the darkness seems to make more profound. Thank God for Elvis for giving me a reason to go to the house for any reason. I hope he doesn't mind if I hug him a little tighter for awhile.