Ashes to Valentines

Wednesday was the beginning of Lent, though I feel a little like I've already been in Lent for a few weeks now. I went to the evening service; lovely and meditative music there...and when it was time to get the ashes from Tuesday's palm-frond bonfire, it felt like the days when people wore sackcloth and ashes for mourning. Well...I am in mourning.

I am glad I went, though. It's a meaningful start to the official season of Lent. And it further underlines what a wonderful and supportive church family I have. Hugs, arm and hand squeezes...for that moment it happens, I don't feel so lonely.

Today is Valentine's Day. And I am grateful for the great love I have had...and continue to have. Wouldn't it be worse if I hadn't had this love in my life? This love that encompasses every fiber of my being...that has only grown since my great loss.

One of my favorite sites on the web these days is brainyquote.com. So...today I looked up quotes about love. And found plenty that I'd heard, and plenty new ones. Here's one I'd heard:

What is love? It is the morning and the evening star. --Sinclair Lewis

Yep. And much more.

I'll talk about this in future posts, but thought I'd leave it there.

Today, I met with a financial advisor and got some wonderful advice. Lots to consider, but it made me feel better that I'm not in that bad of shape, financially.

After work, I met with the counselor at the county Veterans Affairs office to apply for John's burial benefit. I also learned that I have access to a few funds and a pension if my situation ever gets to a point where I'll need the assistance. Good to know.

Did you know that besides the letter from the President, you also get the medals your spouse earned? That got me thinking: I don't think we ever received Dad's medals. I'll have to check into that. Heard an interesting story from the counselor--seems that the parents of a Vietnam vet who had recently passed (the father is a veteran of WWII) learned--from looking at their son's discharge paperwork--that their son had been awarded the Medal of Honor. They knew nothing about this until they looked at the paperwork. I was then told that it's typical for veterans to not talk about their awards and medals. But wow...

Elvis and I are now at my brother's house and enjoying a very eclectic selection of music...Do you Love Me...Groovy Kind of Love...Barracuda...Who....Manic Monday...works by Prince, Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Heart, Police, Beatles, lots of others. It's kinda of fun to let our hair out and listen to LOUD music.

Speaking of Groovy Kind of Love, that is my brother and sister-in-law's song.

John and I didn't have any one song. We had lots.

People asked me if Valentine's Day was difficult. It is...to an extent. But John and I had a Valentine's Day that actually lasted for 14 months. No one day can capture that.
I think Valentine's Day is great. But I think that every day should be special. Because, you know, life is SHORT.

So...go ahead and have a Valentine's life with the ones you love.

The escape.

I stayed home today because I wasn't feeling well. Now, this is something...I hate being in that house by myself any more than I have to, but today, I am stuck there. I won't go into the reasons other than to say I needed to stay in the house. I am feeling a little bit better now and may go out to get some medicine. I decided it was a good time to do some writing, though, so here I am.

Oh, and I promised in the previous post that I'd talk about some music that has been my brain theme these days. I hope to get into that into this entry, but not sure yet. Let's just see how it goes.

I think I'll talk about some things that happened from last Wednesday through yesterday first.

Lately I've been busy trying to find things to do to keep me occupied in the evenings so that when I'm ready to rest for the night, I'm ready and won't dwell on the overwhelming loneliness I feel these days. I'm trying hard not to let it consume me, but sometimes I fail at that, and I guess that's okay. I'm allowing myself to grieve, too, as I know that's important right now.

So...as you know, Monday was choir. Tuesday was orchestra. Wednesday...I did something very difficult. I went to work out at the gym for the first time since John's therapy. I had gone to have therapy on my heel and foot more recently, but in those times, I didn't "work out."

I decided I'd just use the treadmill, and ended up walking almost 2 miles. Headphones on, quietly crying the entire time. Picturing John walking on the treadmill next to me, just as we'd done many times during his physical and occupational therapy sessions. And then I had a nice hot shower afterward.

Thursday night, I took myself to a movie, choosing Silver Linings Playbook. I was actually okay at the movies. The movie wasn't all that close to hitting home, and that helped. And ultimately, I thought the movie was good, though I wasn't sure at the beginning that I was going to like it. I haven't gone to more than one or two movies since May...and really, not much more since November 2011. Prices have gone up, so I may have to limit myself to occasional movies at the matinee showings...or perhaps to one of the small-town theaters in neighboring towns.

Getting to work on Friday was a challenge; the snow had fallen and was just high enough to make the journey to work (at least the part in my neighborhood) a challenge; the roads were, however, also pretty scary. I was glad to get to work early (I always leave early when there's bad weather); I even got there before the plow trucks were done, so I sat and listened to the radio while waiting for spots to be cleared in the parking lot. I must say that they do a quick and efficient job!

After work, the gal that cuts my hair had agreed to give me a haircut right after work so that I could visit a friend over the weekend. So...freshly shorn and a little overnight case plus Elvis and his gear in the car, we headed for an adventure in Roseville, which is a suburb of Detroit. My college friend and her lovely husky-lab mix, Sandy, live in an adorable little house not far off the highway. And I have to tell you...Elvis has finally found a dog who will play with him. So Sandy and Elvis spent a good share of time romping in Suzanne's large backyard.

Most of the time, we just hung out, which was fine by me. We did normal things like walk the dogs, eat, chat, listen to music. My friend took me for a drive--mainly down Jefferson Ave through all the Grosse Pointes...all the way to Cobo Hall and back. She even took me by some of her old neighborhoods, and by Selfridge ANG base, where my dad's last ANG assignment was before he retired from military service. We even went by the home of the mayor of Detroit, though I'm told the current mayor does not live there. But it's the site of much intrigue during disgraced former Mayor Kilpatrick's term.

One of the fun things I saw on our little tour was a bunch of people ice fishing on a bay off of Lake St. Clair. I even got out of the car to take pictures; there was a club with fake palm trees, and some of the photos I took looked like summer in Florida with the white sand that was actually snow. And then the little shacks on the ice...hundreds of them!

Saturday, my friend had a babysitting job with a client of hers and his sister. It was a great deal of fun eating together, filling my friend's  tiny but inviting kitchen. This client is autistic, but my friend has made a profound difference in his life. In my eyes, he's a lovely ginger-haired 8 year old who has made great leaps in his development in the three years she's worked with him. I was amazed to learn of new legislation pushed by our not-so-beloved-by-me Governor. Apparently, this young man will have to be "re-certified" as autistic, as if this condition will ever go away. Testing costs thousands of dollars, not covered by insurance. This seems like some sort of racket to me. I can see re-certification for other temporary conditions, but autism? This seems very wrong. But they will have to do this every three years with him if they want him covered on his insurance.

Sunday, I slept in a little; and then I had breakfast and a massage. Did I tell you she's a certified massage therapist? She is amazing and I felt so good afterwards. I had really messed up my back from carrying water from the basement a few nights before, and this was wonderful.

Later, we traveled to Plymouth, were we attended a Sigma Alpha Iota alumnae meeting. SAI is the music fraternity both of us were in while we studied at Michigan State. It had been years since I'd been to a function, and I'd forgotten nearly everything, so I needed to be re-educated. My wonderfully talented friend sang at this; it was lovely to hear her sing after all these years and after all the health challenges she's had.

You see, she is a multiple cancer survivor. And she's been one of my best sources of support and knowledge; she helped me navigate this whole world of cancer treatments, trials, etc. And she also helped me in my...and actually our (John's, too) decision that enough was enough with the treatment. We talked a little, cried a little this weekend.

The subject of my pastor's homily came up. Suzanne had a difficult time with it--particularly the "it's not fair." I was confused, as I thought it was dead-on the right things to be saying. But I forgot about her perspective: She started to cry as she said it wasn't fair that she had survived and so many of her friends hadn't. I wish I'd said more because I know what I was thinking...so I'll say it now in case she reads this:

My dear friend, you are still here while so many--including my beloved husband--have passed from this heinous thing called cancer. You must not feel guilty about this because I don't think you realize what a wonderful person you are. So giving, even when you don't have that much financially to give. Yet you do. You give your whole heart. God needs you here and has a special purpose for you. John's purpose was fulfilled and though I miss him so very much, his work on earth is done. Yours...and mine...is not done.

It's not fair that cancer and other things hit us either directly or the people we love. It's not fair. But God did marvelous things with John and me, and he's done marvelous things through and for my friend.

So, I drove back last night after a little Chinese New Year feast with my friend and her dad. It was a little scary in places, as Detroit traffic seems to drive too fast all the time, even though it was a bit slippery and windy during my drive on the expressway. I loved my weekend escape and hope to have more adventures with her and with other friends, too.

Now, I'm feeling a little guilty because I yelled pretty badly at Elvis because he took so much time going to the bathroom last night. Here we were in the cold rain and he just didn't want to go, though I knew he must have to.

And it killed me because for awhile last night, he acted afraid of me. I don't know why I blew up--I didn't hurt him physically and never would. But he seemed to absorb my anger and steer clear. Later, just before I went to sleep, I pulled him close and he seemed to feel safe again with me. Soon, he was dreaming and barking in the dream..and even running a little. This morning, like I said, I didn't feel well so I've spent most of the morning cuddling with him and he seems to have forgiven me.

Well, I think I'm going to get a bit more rest this afternoon, with my wonderful and unconditionally loving beagle by my side.

One thing nice happened today; do you know how--when you drift in and out of sleep--you remember dreams a little more? Well, in one, I felt John spoon me. I didn't see him, but I felt his arms around me. And when I woke from that, I smiled through my tears.

I think I'll wait until another post to talk about music.

Until now, I'll try to remember that hug by my husband in my dreams and sleep some more today.

Music and the visitor

It's been a pretty interesting 24 hours.

After work, I went to Cooley with one of John's death certificates to get the ball rolling on life insurance through there. After I left the HR department there, I decided to stop at the library, where I knew a box was waiting for me with the rest of John's things. So, I asked to see the box. I was greeted by a couple of John's coworkers--one, in particular, has been through the same thing I'm going through. Her husband passed away sometime in the middle of our 14-month journey. I followed her writings and those of family members on their Caringbridge page. After looking at 3 or 4 boxes of stuff, I decided the only thing I wanted to keep was a pen, a Cooley mug, John's name tag, and some greeting cards. I am not sure why he had the cards, except maybe he had decided to send them for Christmas.

It's funny, because though our intentions were always good, we never did send Christmas cards out in our entire marriage except for occasional ones to our families. And even then, it wasn't regular. No excuse, and I'm sure I'll find more greeting cards as I start the massive clean-up at home.

After that, I unloaded more of the laundry and a couple boxes, along with Elvis' crate at the house. Then, I treated Elvis to a long walk through the neighborhood. During that walk, I was a little nervous, because there were two guys going door-to-door. Turns out they were selling home improvement work. I'm not so sure, because they really didn't look like the type to do that stuff, but who knows? Anyway, I walked Elvis over to the school yard so that he could romp (as much as he can romp on-leash) in the snow; on the way back, I passed by one of my very kind neighbors, who was talking to one of the aforementioned door-to-door guys. After getting the rest of the mail she'd picked up for me while I was in Marshall, I headed back to the house. And it was then that I realized that (1) my car was unlocked and (2) my keys were nowhere to be found. Oh no!

So, I re-traced my steps, a little frightened that those guys picked the keys up. Sure enough, though, they were sitting in the snow in front of my neighbor's house. Oh well...Elvis got a double-walk out of this. I prayed the entire time just to keep me calm.

After getting Elvis some supper, I headed to the hardware store to get a couple of buckets for one of the downspouts that is in the back of the house. On my way out of the store, I realized that I had misplaced my keys again.

Those of you that know me personally know that it's pretty hard to lose my keys, as I use one of our past beagle's collars to carry the keys. Again, I re-traced my steps and the keys were sitting on top of a bucket. I must have placed them there while I was getting the buckets for the house from the top shelf.

I was now alert for the rest of the evening and made sure to use my carbiner to attach the keys to my purse. So, just keep track of the purse, silly girl!

I then decided I was going to at least sit-in on an arts chorale rehearsal. I loved the selections so much, I decided to try singing very gently. Luckily, they were songs I already knew, so that made it very comfortable for me. I've been asked to sing in their next concert. We'll see. I said a tentative "yes" and went home for the night. I felt good about the decision and was smiling a little bit as I yawned and went to bed.

Since I can remember, I've always needed some sort of "white noise" in order to sleep at night. John was the complete opposite. He liked it very quiet, and even the trains woke him up at night. You see, there are two tracks within about four blocks of our house. I had blocked that sound out years ago, but not him. Often, I'd fall asleep with the television on, and John would take my glasses off and turn off the television.

Since Sunday night, I've been leaving the television on a low volume while I sleep. This morning, I awoke with a start at about 3 AM. The television was off. The remote was too far away for me to have turned it off on my own. Elvis couldn't have stepped on it, either. And no, I don't have cable or satellite television and I didn't have the television on a sleep mode. It just...turned off. 

Hi, John. Thank you for letting me know you're with me, and thanks for allowing a little bit more peace and smiling today.

Alone. And yet... not alone.

I am writing this as I sip a cup of cocoa and look out the window, taking advantage of a few moments of WiFi before I get ready to pack my things and head back to Lansing. There was a gentle snowfall earlier, and now it's a bit heavier; the wind turns the snowflakes sideways for periods of time. I sat in this exact seat almost exactly two weeks ago trying to summarize my husband's life in an obituary. At that point, we were having squalls and were nervous about the roads, so I had a time constraint. Today, my only constraint is a mountain of laundry to do and then the trip home.

And tonight, I'll sleep in that house for the first time since last April. Alone.

Okay, Elvis will be with me, but it's just not the same.

And no, I won't really be alone. But those of you that have been in my position understand fully. Going back to a house once shared with a spouse, and now the spouse is gone.

This morning, I got up early, dusted the snow off the car, and drove into Marshall to church. I am so glad I did. The folks at Trinity Marshall have adopted me; this is the church I attend when I'm in town. I love the church I attended in my youth, don't get me wrong. But I just feel more at home at Trinity these days. The "house band" played today--comprised of mostly friends of mine. One of my friends, Marguerite, doubled as bass player and violinist. A young man I've not met played mandolin. And friends Paul, Phil, and Brooks rounded out the group on guitar, clarinet/oboe, and piano, respectively. The last hymn today was Torah Orah, which lends itself to some great klesmer playing, particularly by the clarinetist. When we sing that hymn at All Saints, I usually play fiddle with it. But with no restraint whatsoever. Improvisation, all the way! One of these days. Another favorite was the anthem today, which was God be in my Head, by Sidney Nicholson. And it was really nice to meet Pastor Anne, the new rector, in person today. I've gotten to know her a little bit over Facebook over the last few months, thanks to my friend Brooks.

Today's Epistle was very timely today: It was 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. And as it was read, I started to cry. You see, this is the famous "love chapter," the same one that was read at our wedding on September 3, 1994. And it could have easily described the love that grew within the last year. Quoted from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, it reads:

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

Love NEVER ends. Never.

It's almost like the scriptures today were tailor-made for me. Psalm 71 verse 3 says, "Be my strong rock, a castle to keep me safe; you are my crag and my stronghold."

Do not be afraid. I am with you. That's the promise made to me. Lord, help me today and in the days, weeks, months ahead.

My cocoa is finished, and I think I'll go get that laundry done and head home. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers tonight.

The house is empty. And yet, it's not. It's filled with memories, and it's filled with God's love. Help me to remember that.