Mainly, I think it was because I had people around me when the clock turned in 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014. Of course, in 2011 and 2012, that "people" was John. In 2013, I was with my family at a party in Hollywood, though technically I was by myself when the clock turned over back in Michigan. Last year, I was at a play back in my hometown, and a bunch of friends were around me.
New years are always new beginnings, but for me right now, it's just another year without John in it.
It's not that John and I did anything special on New Year's, though a couple years stick out for me pre-cancer.
The first one was fairly early in our marriage. We went to visit John's parents when they lived in Wolcott, New York. I don't remember a lot about that visit about what we did other than we sat up all night watching Twilight Zone movies. Something I did for most of New Year's (this) weekend.
Another one was New Year's Eve 1999. John's office had a fancy party, and we got all dressed up and went. It was a lot of fun!
But normally, New Year's Eve was quiet for us.
John fell ill just before Thanksgiving, 2011. We decided to go on a walk that day, and for once, we left the dogs at home as I was worried John would trip over them. We walked to nearby Potter Park. As I recall, the actual zoo was closed, but we walked along the Riverwalk. I took my camera, as I've often done, and took some nice shots:
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| The ducks were pretty busy, and as you can see, there wasn't a lot of snow that year, either. |
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| This is on our way to the park, near an old pump station a couple blocks from home. He looked quite good, a month after surgery, didn't he? |
In 2012, John was in hospice, and went the calendar flipped to 2013, I laid my head on his chest and sobbed--it was the first time I'd failed to keep my emotions in check around him during the hospice stay, and one of the few times since he was diagnosed. I remember him asking why I was crying, and I couldn't answer him. So, he gave me the best hug he could, and just said, "Awwww...."
John died just a couple weeks later: January 19, 2013.
On New Year's Eve 2013, I was with my family getting ready to celebrate a Spartan Rose Bowl victory the next day. The evening of New Year's, we were in the Ray Dolby Ballroom in Hollywood, right near the Chinese Theater and in the room where the Governor's Ball for the Oscars is held. All that was nice, but I missed John. I was about to say goodbye to the last year that had John in it. When the calendar changed in California, my brother hugged me as I sobbed. I will always be grateful for how much my family has stuck with me through these times. Here's a picture of my brother and me at the party (and you can see Darlene Love's hair (sorta) behind my brother:
New Year's Eve 2014, I went to see a play at Great Escape Stage Company, in Marshall, Michigan--my hometown. This wonderful theater is run by my friend, Randy Lake, who was my first real leading man back in 1978. He was the "King," I was "I". Anyway, they did a radio play (similar to other ones they've done, including two I was in this fall called "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and another short play from the old Suspense series) on "It's a Wonderful Life." And then we stayed to ring in the new year, and my buddy, Randy, and other friends were there to keep me loved and distracted. It ended up being a good evening, all things considered.
This year was hard, and not just because the Spartans lost (hey, they were one of only four teams to make the football playoffs, so that's really something to be proud of, along with the amazing season they had. John was, incidentally, quite a Spartan Football fan, something he picked up from hanging out with my family for over 18 years). This was the first year I was truly alone...well, except for my fur baby, Elvis. I tried to go out and watch the game at a local pub near campus, but you know sometimes even if you have people around you, it's still lonely. It's one thing if it's friends or family, but even though these people were fellow Spartans, I felt incredibly alone. So at halftime, I paid my bill (delicious food; never went there in college because it was always so smoky. SO thankful for the no smoking rules that were passed a few years ago) and went home. Elvis and I went on a short walk in the last few minutes of 2015, and then came home, where I sobbed for a long time as 2015--a fairly difficult year, by the way--drifted away. Elvis saves me in tissues, as he's very fond of kissing those tears away.
Now that the holidays (always rough, have been for a long time as the losses started in 1999) are over, other than a bad bought of bronchitis, I have hope that 2016 will be better.
But John still won't be in it.
This year was hard, and not just because the Spartans lost (hey, they were one of only four teams to make the football playoffs, so that's really something to be proud of, along with the amazing season they had. John was, incidentally, quite a Spartan Football fan, something he picked up from hanging out with my family for over 18 years). This was the first year I was truly alone...well, except for my fur baby, Elvis. I tried to go out and watch the game at a local pub near campus, but you know sometimes even if you have people around you, it's still lonely. It's one thing if it's friends or family, but even though these people were fellow Spartans, I felt incredibly alone. So at halftime, I paid my bill (delicious food; never went there in college because it was always so smoky. SO thankful for the no smoking rules that were passed a few years ago) and went home. Elvis and I went on a short walk in the last few minutes of 2015, and then came home, where I sobbed for a long time as 2015--a fairly difficult year, by the way--drifted away. Elvis saves me in tissues, as he's very fond of kissing those tears away.
Now that the holidays (always rough, have been for a long time as the losses started in 1999) are over, other than a bad bought of bronchitis, I have hope that 2016 will be better.
But John still won't be in it.
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